The Geekiest Vows of All Time
By Emma Bartley
Could these be the world’s weirdest wedding vows? There was a mixed reaction at the Staggered offices when we discovered what these crazy grooms had done. To start with, we were shocked (you wrote your wedding vows using math? And someone’s marrying you?). Then there was confusion (the number of letters in each word matches the consecutive digit in the decimal expansion of π and something else that Staggered can’t find on our symbols menu but assumes is, y’know, math-y).
Naturally, there was some gentle mocking – “How geeky can you get?” shouted someone. But then we vaguely remembered being a laughing stock at school… getting a lot of degrees… hoarding meaningless trivia in our brains and items in our cupboards and always feeling a tiny bit unsure about whether our shoes were alright. Wait! We are geeks!
So we had a go at writing some nerdy vows of our own. Feel free to steal them – but if you’re a true square, you’ll probably come up with your own (let us know if you do and we’ll post the best).
The Alphabet Vows
Always be close dear, ever – forever – giving happiness. I join, kissing lips, my never-overlooked partner. Quickly repeat, sweetheart, this unique vow (with xylophones): “Yes, zealously”.
The World of Warcraft Vows
I [Darkeno] take you [Ahanna] to be my lawfully wedded wife in this realm. Before all the witnesses of Azeroth I vow to love and care for you whether you become a mage or a warrior, no matter how many honour points you have, in corrupted blood plagues and in health, until as wisps we do part.
The Apple Vows (read from iPhone)
When I was lost, you used GPS and Google Maps to find me. When my lithium battery exploded, you bandaged my hand and signed the secrecy agreement that those shady dudes in suits brought round the same night. And when the iPad came out, you did not spoil my euphoria by making feminine hygiene jokes. You never seek to ctrl. That is why, standing here in the sight of Jobs, I take you to be my wife.
The Led Zep vows
We come from the land of the ice and snow – ours is the fire, all the warmth we can find. I can’t quit you baby. Let me share your load. And to our health we drink a thousand times. In my time of dying, want nobody to mourn. All I want for you to do is take my body home. Kind woman, I give you my all, kind woman, nothing more.