I’m Not a Bigamist, Are You?

Aha!

It’s true, I’m not a bigamist and chances are, neither are you, but do you, like me have the document to prove it?

Yes, it is yet another of those documents required of me by the Catholic Church here in Colombia. So, after securing an appointment with the British Embassy in Bogota, swearing an affidavit before the Vice Consul, I can now prove in the eyes of the Colombian legal system, that I am not guilty of bigamy. This has, apparently, been a problem.

Now, this brings me back to the every present issue of the documents required of me to be wed. Type out unassumingly on the list of documents to be handed into the church was the one line entitled, Curso Prematrimonial. You may recall I mentioned this in the last entry, and since having taken the course, other Protestant friends of mine have come forward to announce that they too upon marrying a Catholic were required to make an appearance in similar circumstances.

There are only twelve places in Bogota that are qualified to give this course and for mere convenience we chose the parish closest to our apartment. It turned out to be the best for its brevity and cost. At least that’s what we were told. I shudder to think what the other places must be like. Brevity! Ha! This course took in Saturday from 1pm to 6.30pm and on Sunday from 8am to 5pm. This was the listed timetable although we got out earlier on Sunday due to the fortuitous circumstance of it being Father’s Day.

Anyhow, I had been dreading this course since the moment I had booked us onto it. I figured that I’d approach it as if I were ripping off a plaster, just get it over and done with in one go. What resulted was the most mind-numbingly tedious lectures given by religious leaders, philosophers, psychologists, sexual health doctors (what century do we live in?) and a Monk for good measure. The latter spoke at length about the life and times of the last Pope.

Being Protestant, but hardly practicing, I did feel like an enemy in the camp. But, I was not alone. I may have been the only Protestant, but, for certain I was not the only one in pain, suffering an imminent onset of haemorrhoids inflicted by the frigid seats here in the lecture hall. Just looking around the 60-odd couples here I could make out easily that most men had their BlackBerrys and IPhones in hand and were playing a selection of games from Tetris to Angry Birds and answering emails. Some partners were in on the act as well. At times the lecture hall positively purred with the sound of phones set to vibrate.

And so while the words from the lecture on religious law was bouncing off my skull I felt certain nostalgia wash over me and take me back to University. Perhaps this could rival the most boring course I had ever had the displeasure of sitting though. Yes, Raymond Calcraft, you smooth talking SOB, you’re getting a mention. I would rather have been sitting there in Lecture Hall B1 listening to your mellifluous voice as you wax lyrically about Spanish Poets from the Generation of 1927.

And just to let you know how little other people were taking this seriously, the gentleman behind me was snoring. Far be it for me to criticize a long-standing well-respected institution’s attitudes to the illegality of divorce, same sex unions, birth control and so on. It did serve a purpose, I was able to draft this blog and make it look like I was taking notes. At the very least, my eyes were open and I did not snore.

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• I Probably Shouldn’t Be Telling You This But….
• Everything Can Be Done Mañana in Colombia
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