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Dave Spikey’s Wedding Advice

Andrew Shanahan Sep 2009 7 Comments Bookmark or Share

You’ll probably know Dave Spikey as the incomparable compere Jerry St. Clair from Phoenix Nights, or as the BAFTA-nominated stand-up comedian (he’s touring you know). But to us he’ll always be the friendly biomedical scientist from the haematology labs at Royal Bolton hospital. We asked Dave to send Staggered some advice for those about to be involved in weddings and these are the pearls of wisdom he sent us. Enjoy…

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If I was the best man at a friend’s wedding I’d feel obliged to pass on lessons learned from my many years of marriage. There’s an old saying around the Caspian Sea – “Verano cotuta ndang” and I think you’ll agree it’s as relevant today as it always was. Its literal translation is “ He who swims with piranha will surely lose weight” and it is especially pertinent when applied to the rollercoaster ride that is married life.

First to mention is the male vs female sense of humour. Men’s humour appears to be consistent while that of the woman is unpredictable and prone to outside influences that even in my many years of experience I have failed to pinpoint (I suspect it might be the moon). I do know that I can make a humorous remark to my wife one day and she’ll laugh and yet the next day I can make a similar hilarious remark and NOTHING!

I’ll give you an example. We were lying in bed the other night, I was reading a novel and she a magazine when all of a sudden she put her mag down in such a way that I knew that I should have gone to sleep. “I’ve been thinking,” she said, I closed my eyes and thought “Shit”. She said “I’ve decided I want to be cremated”, so I threw the covers back and said “Okay then, get your coat”. That’s funny right? I’m pretty sure that’s funny, but apparently not.

And that leads me nicely into the world of trick questions and I would like to take this opportunity to present to all the wives and girlfriends here this simple fact – If you ask us a personal question and there are two possible answers and one of those answers is going to make you very angry and upset, we mean the other one. Alright? Because, honestly the whole area is a minefield.

So, for the bridegroom and other men who may be embarking on a serious relationship, here are a few examples of the trick questions I have known and basic guidelines in dealing with them.

You are having a romantic meal down the Italian restaurant and there’s a natural lull in the conversation, you will find that there is a time limit to this lull and that if you haven’t said anything within this time and you are chewing and staring into space you will inevitably get this, “Penny for your thoughts?” Don’t panic! The correct answer is “Nothing.” Never under any circumstances tell her what you were actually thinking, especially if it was, “Is she going to finish that pizza?”

“How much do you love me?” my wife said the other day, not for the first time.

I thought, “Tricky, be careful,” and replied: “Seven.”

“Seven?” she said, annoyed, so I quickly regrouped, “Eight, I meant eight.”

“Out of how many?”

“Er, Ten” I said.

She said, “You said seventeen last week.”

“Did I? Ah yes, but that was out of twenty.”

“But if you double eight up you only get sixteen out of twenty.”

“Do you?” I said, never being any good at maths, “I meant ten. Definitely ten. I love you ten.” The answer is always ten.

If you are out with friends and your mates are ogling the waitress, she will sooner or later ask,”Do you think she’s attractive? Always say, “Who?” She’ll say, “You know!” but stick to your guns. She’ll say suspiciously, “The blonde waitress?” and you say emphatically, “Never noticed her.”

Another killer question is, “If you could change anything about me, anything at all, what would it be? You can tell me I won’t get annoyed.” – She pissing well will! So no matter what you think do not ever fall for this one. The answer of course is, “Nothing! You’re perfect in every way.”

You’ve got to lie. They lie all the time. Usually about shoes and clothes. You’ll be getting ready to go out for the night and first she’ll hit you with the trick question, “Which shoes look best with this skirt?” How the hell do I know? When did I become a shoe expert? I’ve only got four pairs and two of them are trainers, while you’ve got a hundred and sixteen pairs, so how can I decide? The answer is that you can’t but you’ve got to choose and so you choose the red ones.

“The red shoes,” you’ll say and she’ll sneer, even laugh, “RED!!! You have no idea have you?”

No I haven’t, you know I haven’t but you persist in asking. Then comes the lie which goes like this. You see a way to fight back because you are almost sure that the top she’s wearing is brand new and you agreed that you were cutting back on spending and so you say, “Is that a new top?” She will laugh patronisingly at you, “What THIS TOP?! Of course not. You must have the worst memory in the world.” OR “You never take notice of what I’m wearing.” Trying to flip the guilt back your way. “I wore this at our Jean’s wedding in summer,” she says. “Did you? Well I suggest you cut that TK Maxx label off the end of the sleeve before we go out!”

So back to my great (I think it was great) cremated joke which led to one of the all-time classic trick questions. After the stony silence which followed, “Okay, get your coat,” she followed up with, “I have been thinking though, we’re not getting any younger and I wondered if I died before you, would you get married again?”

I thought for a short time and played safe, “No,” I said. She wasn’t happy, “WHY? What’s wrong with being married?” she barked at me. Oh what! That wasn’t fair, there was no right answer! So I backtracked, “Well maybe I would, who knows? Time heals every wound.” She was quiet for a while then said, “If you did, would you live in this house? I just stared at her and panicked, “No, yes? Yes, no? Maybe, yes, maybe.”

I got away with that but she followed up with, “Would you sleep with her in this bed?” I thought, this is an easy one, I know this, “No Way!” I said confidently, “This is OUR marriage bed, too many memories, love, passion, tenderness.”

She liked that answer and even reached over and sort of stroked the side of my head as if I was a cat and I thought I’d won, but then she said, “One more thing,” but that’s okay because I’m on a roll right? “Would you let her wear my shoes?” she asked. I said straightaway, “No!! Of course not!….She’s a size six”.

Joke, right? I waited for the laugh but she reached under the mattress and I said, “Put that bread knife down. Put it down now. I’m playing with you!” Who brings a bread knife to bed with them?

For no other reason than we’d like to let you know – Dave has a full range of DVDs available to purchase and he has a book – He Took My Kidney Then Broke My Heart published on 1^st October. Best of all Dave is on tour from August 28th onwards. We highly recommend you get yourself to see him. Take the Wife.