Several Thousand Wedding Jokes
Getting married is a serious business, which is why we’ve compiled a list of wedding jokes so you can try and forget about the whole hideous business. Be warned, we’ve looked far and wide to collect every wedding and marriage chestnut known to man so most of these are as old as the hills but if you’re looking for something to pad out your speech or liven up a dull stag-do, you’ll find it in the following pages.
Staggered’s Top Ten Wedding Jokes
1) After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”
2) Men are like buses. They have spare tires and smell funny.
3) Grooms, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always remember to get the last two words in: “Yes dear”.
4) I haven’t spoken to my Mother-In-Law for eighteen months, I don’t like to interrupt her
5) As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband’s ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband NEVER to touch it.
For fifty long years Uncle Jack left the box alone until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.
He took the box to Aunt Edna and asked about the contents.
“My mother gave me that box the day we married,” she explained. “She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you.”
Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice.
“What’s the $82,500 for?” he asked.
“Oh, that’s the money I made selling the rest of the doilies.”
6) My Wife Says I Never Listen, Or Something Like That.
7) The vicar noticed that the bride was in great distress so asked her what was wrong. She replied that she was nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. He told her that she only needed to remember 3 things. First the aisle, because that is what you’ll be walking down. Secondly, the altar because that is where you will arrive. Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service. While the bride was walking to the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words. . . Aisle, altar hymn, aisle, altar, hymn…
8) What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening? Sex.
9) Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won’t stop to ask directions!
10) A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
“This is the Klopman diamond,” she said. “It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.”
“What’s the curse?” the man asked.