Men On Marriage: Tim Vine
“Marriage,” Saint and/or Greavsie used to observe, “is a funny old game.” So when we got the chance to speak to one of our comedy heroes Tim Vine we decided to ask him for his thoughts about love, weddings and if he had any jokes you all could nick for your speeches, lo and behold he did and it features an owl – result. 
STAGGERED: Tell us first about your new DVD which is in the shops now
Punslinger is a DVD and it’s basically me telling loads of jokes. I come on dressed as a cowboy and tell a load of jokes and then I do some jokes about other stuff, then I tell some more jokes – there’s just loads and loads and loads of jokes, silly songs, stupid props and everyone leaves none-the-wiser. I should have brought her on Nun the Wiser, she’s great.
Do you enjoy doing the filmed shows?
The good thing for me about DVDs in a way is that you’re logging the stuff, it’s great that people can go and buy it and that it’s in shops but a part of me would be happy to have one copy on my shelf next to the others and say that’s that, lets move on. I’m not the kind of person who will be staring at sales figures through gritted teeth.
Anyone who has seen your live shows will know that there’s an incredible amount of material, how do you remember it all?
It’s just practicing. There’s nothing clever about it really. For Punslinger for about a month before it I would have rehearsed it every day and run through it all so 45 minutes to run through it every day. By the time you get to the actual gig it’s properly ingrained in your head and so you make a joke and as you finish that one the next one drops into your mind automatically so you don’t have to think about it. The second I did have to think about it my mind would go blank. That does still happen and I sometimes have to go over to the table to check my notes and find out where I am, but I’m very informal in my act so it’s ok I can do that.
Do you think that’s the way our readers should go with their speeches – should they just practice it until they know it off by heart?
I wouldn’t bother. It’s fully expected you could have the speech written out in front of you so I would say learning is a bad thing. The problem is that then becomes your main concern. The best man is just focused on not forgetting what he’s saying and not delivering the speech. For me I put down key words, I wouldn’t write it out word for word.
When you’re preparing for a new show do you have to have a structure to your day, like a normal 9-5 job?
What happens is that my mind is concentrated by the fact that someone calls me and says we’ve booked the tour in and that’s enough to panic me into writing and I’ll try and write a certain amount every day about 15 jokes a day and then in amongst that I’ll do entire days of writing now and again. Probably about three or four will be good.
Do you ever drive yourself mad with writing material?
When I write for tours I find that a pleasurable experience to get the stuff together. Every Monday night I go to a comedy club and we try out new material and I put a tick or a cross by all the jokes that work and those that don’t and that’s a rewarding process to be writing stuff and crossing stuff out that’s the most creative part of the job. It doesn’t drive me mad though because I’m actually quite lazy by nature if I’m not working for a tour then I’m not thinking about it if something occurs to me but otherwise I’m quite happy just to eat biscuits and play darts.
So what else do you do for fun?
Normal things really like going out with mates, going to the cinema. I’d quite like to take up crown green bowling at the risk of sounding like an ageing comedian. When I was in Melbourne I played bowls with Tim Key we had a game. And it was very addictive. I feel like I want to play more. I also like watching telly, I love Judge Judy. I’m very dull. Once you strip away my job there’s really nothing there. I have long lunches on my own in Banstead.
With a job like yours you’re probably the first person people would turn to for a best man – have you ever had the honour?
I was best man at my brother’s wedding, I was best man at a friend’s wedding and I was best man at another wedding. So three times in total. I was also Master of Ceremonies – actually I was a Jack of All Ceremonies at my sister’s wedding and I was MC at another wedding – so I got to wear that “I’ve just come back from a hunt” costume.
So were you a popular best man then?
I was booed off all three times. That’s when you know it’s gone badly. And you have shuffle back to your seat. It would be great to see someone turn a room to that extent. Wedding audiences are so long-suffering because they’re aware that you’re part of the proceedings and potentially you’re part of the team that have given you as a guest £70 of hospitality so normally you wouldn’t start shouting out “Get off you’re rubbish.”
What about the speech – any advice for readers?
Sometimes people get in touch with me and say I’m doing a best man speech can you give me some jokes for it and I always give them one joke. I say when they’re applauding as you stand up just gesture for them to quieten down and say, “What a reception!”
Aside from that I say – you don’t want jokes. Talk about the person because that is what people want to hear. You feel slightly cheated if a best man gets up and does a selection of jokes that you’ve vaguely heard before and often they’ll get a laugh out of sympathy but a lot of the time you should look to sacrifice haymaker laughs for talking about the person because that’s where the interest is and occasionally people stumble on really big laughs.
Are you married yourself?
No, I made that decision one day and I got down on one knee and I said, “Will you never marry me,” and luckily for me they said “yes”. No, I’m joking. I did once propose to someone and it was a disaster, I was engaged for three days and then I broke it off. Anyway, let’s keep it light.
Have you got a wedding joke we can steal and pass off as our own?
I spoke to this barn owl the other day and I said I’ve just got engaged. He said, “You twit, to who?”
The excellent Punslinger is out in all good shops now, but what with the weather and everything you’re probably better off getting it on Amazon and having them bring it to your house.
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