Dave Spikey’s Wedding Speech Advice
Hello, can you ask Dave for his thoughts on how to make a groom speech funny? I’ve been writing mine for ages and it’s so dull. There’s loads in there about my wife and all the people that we need to thank but I just need some tips or jokes on what could make it a bit lighter. The last thing I want to do is just sound like I’m reading out a list of well dones like on a school sport’s day.
The good news is that as far as I recall the groom’s speech doesn’t have to be that funny. The responsibility for a light-hearted and funny 10 – 20 minutes lies with the nervous wreck that is the best man. As you allude to, the groom’s speech should be more sincere and heartfelt and include a mention to how beautiful your bride looks thanks to various people who played an important part in the wedding planning, as everyone likes to be acknowledged in this way. I’m sure you will have a list of who these people are.
BUT!
If you think the crowd are up for it (think long and hard about this) you could drop a few lines in. I would advise getting the balance right between the humour and the heartfelt sincerity. Best not to risk upsetting anybody, eh?
So here are a few suggestions. They are intended to stimulate your memory or inspire you to insert memories of yours about events from your life and courtship. Feel free to use any of them but I chuck them in really to act as a catalyst or a trigger.
What about starting with. “I have a confession…………. This is all a mistake……… What I actually said to [bride's name] was “Will you carry me?” I was so drunk that night.” Carry on to say, “But it was the best mistake you ever made” etc etc etc ……
Thank the guests for coming and say how great they look – how well they’ve scrubbed up, ask “How did we manage before PRIMARK?” , hopefully they’ll laugh or object and you point to your jacket and trousers and say “Hey £15 and £10! They don’t fit but stuff it – what a bargain – “If somebody does complain pick them out and say “Sorry name is wearing a designer outfit – the famous Mat Allan is it?”
But the guests do look great don’t they? Most of them – mention that there’s one or two ugly ones obviously, there’s bound to be statistically. Reassure them, “Its alright, I’ll not point you out, you know who you are.” Go on to add, “And you’ve come with someone else who’s ugly, which is nice. That’s why we’ve put you all on the same table (incline the head in a vague direction to pick out the ugly table). Because ugly people attract other ugly people, have you noticed? It’s contrary to all the laws of physics where opposites attract is the rule, so I’m not sure how it works, but thank the Lord it does. And ugly people marry each other don’t they? And have ugly children. And a photograph album with just negatives in it!”
Mention the meal and hope everyone enjoyed it. Say maybe that it was better than the Cordon Bleu meal you had the other week (invent or think of an occasion). Say “The girl next to me had frogs’ legs and chicken breasts ….. But a lovely personality and I think that’s important don’t you?” (If you’ve a female friend who’s up for a laugh you could make this relate to her so it would be, “I was sitting next to [name], and she had frogs’ legs etc…… but she’s got a lovely personality, and I think that’s important.”)
Thank the bride’s father for his speech and for his beautiful daughter, maybe say that although he may not look it, he likes a laugh. Recount how nervous you were the first time that you were invited round for tea and when you got to the house he’d put a big sign in the front garden saying “Last Girl Before Motorway”.
Tell the crowd how nervous you were when you asked him for [bride's name] hand in marriage. How you were so incredibly nervous that you weren’t thinking straight so that when you asked for his permission and he said, “Have you seen her mother?” you misunderstood and said “ Yes but I still prefer your daughter!” And then how you made it even worse when he asked if you’d sorted out a date for the wedding and you said, “What! I can bring a date to me own wedding?” And how he got his own back by asking you in all seriousness, “Do you earn enough to support a family ?” and when you said “Yes” , he said “Now think on lad , there’s six of us [Or appropriate number].”
Tell them how you first met your beautiful bride – if you’ve known each other since you were kids maybe say how and when you first noticed she was blossoming into a beautiful woman. Maybe you used to play together, you’d be doing your Meccano and she’d be holding your nuts and the next day there’s this really pretty girl. OR maybe the first time you noticed her was in the playground when she was doing handstands or bouncing balls against the wall through her legs. Maybe you first felt the attraction at school sports day when she was your partner in the wheelbarrow race and you had hold of her legs. You get the picture…
If it was much later in life tell of your first meeting and dates, there is usually something there that you did or embarrassed yourself saying or doing. Tell them about your chat-up line(s). Run through those you thought of but rejected to raise a laugh or a cringe – here’s an idea – ask your mates for some of their favourites and on the day in your speech credit them with their suggestions. I like the straightforward no-nonsense: “Is it alright if I kiss you?” (I’ve cleaned it up). Even if she says no, it’s a great ice-breaker. You’ll get a lot of knock-backs but you will also get a lot of kisses.
Maybe the first dates with her weren’t brilliant and you weren’t sure that she fancied you – little things like when you went out together she always wore her, “I’m with Stupid” T shirt.
Tell them about the exact moment when you knew, absolutely that she was the girl you wanted to marry and spend the rest of your life with. Was it love at first sight? Did she live over a pub (you can lie about this bit), was it her talent for putting her feet behind her head – Or her party piece of …………. (invent something)
Use the opportunity to advertise your full set of Encyclopaedia Britannica’s for sale. Bargain price of £100. You don’t need them any more because apparently my wife knows everything.
Lastly, pay a special thanks to your best man and/or one of your ushers OR your dad (they all of course have to be in on it and play along with it) without whom you wouldn’t be here today. Build this up with an “I want to take this moment to thank certain people. Most of you won’t know anything about what I’m about to say but this is the right place and time to acknowledge the great debt I owe to a couple of people here today.”
Now invent a couple of situations where they saved your life and make this as crazy as you like and reveal a part of yourself that nobody especially your bride will know of. If you do it with sincerity and in all seriousness people will believe you and study your brides face and her family for their reaction. Off the top of my head this might include:-
- Taking the knife wound that was meant for you in the attack by that mad pimp in Amsterdam.
- Diving in the Thames to save you after the loan shark you owe £50k to got his enforcer to drown you. And then lending you the money which you swear you will pay back to him every week for as long as it takes. And how now you are married there’ll be more money coming in.
- Donating you a kidney. Just hope that it lasts for the ten years they hope for (tailor the transplant to before you met your bride).
- Hiding the drugs you were carrying when the French Police stopped you in Calais.
- Taking you to hospital when he realised that the rash you picked up in Thailand (wherever) had turned septic. The doctor said that if he hadn’t brought you in when he did you would have almost certainly have developed septicaemia and died. It small price to pay that you’ll carry the virus for the rest of your life. At least, thanks to him, you’ve got a life. God bless you ….[name]
It would help if you went to them and hugged them. Then without further comment say, “Will you join me in a toast to my beautiful bride.” Before a perfectly timed: I’m Joking!!!!! Look at your face!
AS I said at the start these are just suggestions to jog your mind and hopefully inspire you.
All the best and congratulations,
Dave.
If you’re stuck on your wedding speech drop us an email to info@iamstaggered.com. If you need more help have a look at our wedding speeches page.
Related Posts:
Good tips! Although, I’m not a big fan of the groom speech…why doesn’t the bride give a speech too?
Leave your response!