Background: Dan works at Go Ape! and groom Ewen's dad once worked in the transport office for the council. Any additional in-jokes remain unexplained.

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen my name is Dan and despite my inability to speak or read well in public I have the honour of being Ewen's Best Man.

Before I undertake the customary duty of giving him an uncomfortable few minutes it is the official responsibility of the best man to thank Ewen on behalf of the bridesmaids for his kind words and for having them play a part of this really special day. Maria, Phoebe and Sophie you all look wonderful and without sounding like an over exuberant American, have done a great job! Indeed they are only eclipsed by Rebecca herself, who, I'm sure you'll all agree, looks absolutely stunning.

It is a huge privilege to be asked by Ewen to be his Best Man – and the cash bribe was unnecessary but appreciated! Being a best man virgin (please note I have just declined the opportunity for an inappropriate comment) I consulted that universal sage Dr Google. In addition to convincing you that the most trivial medical symptoms are in fact harbingers of some terrible disease, the search guru can advise a chap on what is expected of the modern day best man.

The good doctor dispensed many pearls of wisdom to do with dress code (wear something), modes of transport (make sure your car works – or in today’s case arrives in one piece), timing (be on time), rings (don’t lose them) and many other important aspects of matrimonial management. The all knowing one also offered advice on the tenor (do not embarrass old ladies and children – so far so good on that one?) and the content of the all important best man’s speech – the product of which you are unfortunate enough to be witnessing now.

Actually, while enjoying the service this afternoon, I couldn't help thinking that it’s funny how history repeats itself. I mean 27 years ago Rebecca's family were sending her to bed with a dummy…and here they are again today.

I digress…So the content – the very meat of this oratorical feast…

Apparently (according to my electronic advisor) this should be mildly embarrassing for the groom and should ideally be harvested, and I quote, from:

“The groom's parents, brothers and sisters. Your fellow Stags (usually the best mates of the groom from all different areas of his life) and of course not forgetting the bride – in theory she should know him better than anyone!”

According to my sources, who I won't name as I don't want to get Ellen in trouble, Ewen was a lovely chubby baby and he has always very much liked his food. I have to confess I had to re-read that at first as I thought she was initially describing her brother to date.

His father's passion for motorbikes in Ewen's early childhood brought out two traits that are still very apparent in the man we know today…The competitive Ewen (I can see a few people grinning) and his continual battle with bladder control.

On his 4th Birthday Ewen was gifted a Yamaha Scrambler and Allan was keen to get him involved in competitions at an early age. Although the minimum age was 6, and being a 'big boy' for his age (not my words chap) the consensus was that he would be able to compete. The scene was set, his first professional competition at a mere 4 years of age…20 participants lined up at the gate raring to go, the race started, but Ewen remained…Why was that Ewen? (he wet himself)

Ten years later at the age of 14 Ewen had his first ever party at his old chaps. As you all know boys will be boys and the next morning Allan woke up to find a pile of street signs, toilet signs and 'no parking' signs scattered around the back yard. This wasn't out of the ordinary for a 14 year old boy (and actually is a common activity at University) but humour us Ewen – Where did your Dad work at the time? And who had put all of those signs up in the first place?

But what else do I know? Is he the man who moves without trace, who has no skeletons in his closet (or wardrobe for that matter) a man who measures every situation and tailors his choices accordingly?

Well I know that he met Rebecca in some classy establishment six years ago in Colchester's High Street called the Hippodrome! What he failed to mention and what has recently been brought to my attention is that Ewen's attire of choice was a Ben Sherman Shirt and to make matters worse he had both ears pierced with Diamond Studs in situ! If you don’t believe me there is evidence tucked away behind the jars of sweets over there.

Their first Date – a trip to IKEA! Not exactly traditional but humorous none the less.Instead of watching his beloved Red Devils (that’s right he sacked off watching Man Utd to go Swedish furniture shopping) they bought a wardrobe. A wardrobe with a lot of history behind it (and for that matter inside it)…

For those who know him well he likes a drink from time-to-time…but sadly Ewen can’t drink. One of my favourite stories involved a trip to Twickenham…A day of rugby, a day of drinking and in Ewen’s case a day of keeping up with the boys. To cut a long story short he was ‘found’ by Bex later that day slumped in a bus stop somewhere in Richmond slipping into the depths of morpheous. But it doesn’t end there…it actually ended up all inside Bex’s Mini Cooper. Picture rapid opening of car doors to eject the offending toxins having forgotten that HE had previously locked said doors for security reasons. Groucho Marx advised and noted: “When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading”

Another historic faux pas involving his poison of choice – Let’s say that he was spatially disoriented this time round was when he mistook the wardrobe door (yes that same one from their first date) for the bathroom door with results that I would (had such an event ever taken place) leave to your imagination.Talking of ‘bathroom’ incidents you should ask Bex about the starchy towel story…

For a man that measures every situation (and the most recent story I have) he would naturally have not failed to do the necessary calculations to ensure that their wardrobe(yes the same wardrobe from the first date that was confused with the bathroom)could actually be carried up the stairs and across the landing to the bedroom. He most certainly would not have had to resort to the use of a handsaw to rip 100mm off the bottom of his beloved furniture. No this would not have happened – strike it from the theoretical record.

So how do I know the groom? Well our paths crossed four years ago just down the road at an interesting place called Five Lakes. For those that are staying there tonight speak to Ewen and I later – we know all the tricks on how to get upgrades, money off and return complimentary visits. After all we were the monkeys that had to deal with the general amoeba on a day-to-day basis. However…as a lot of people say in the hospitality industry it’s not about the place but the people you work with…and it just so happened I was introduced to my best friend.

On a personal note both Ewen and Rebecca have been truly amazing friends to me and I am eternally grateful for being a part of their lives and this special day! So I thank you both! Separately, you are two special, caring and remarkable people but together you are complete.

Ewen, today should rightly be the happiest day of your life, and it will continue to be a date that you will both cherish and celebrate as each year passes. I’m told by my Old Man that the secret to ensuring that you always remember this date as your special anniversary… is to forget it just once!

Avoid cars with electric windows, colour code domestic doors to minimize confusion and be careful in your choice of bedroom furniture.

It now gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief to raise our glasses to make a personal toast…TO THE BEST MAN!

On a serious note…I wish you both all the happiness in the world and it is with great pleasure that I say congratulations. We all wish you the best that life has to offer as you continue your epic journey…So again if I can ask you to raise your glasses…

To Ewen and Rebecca