Background

The Groom Richard is English and was marrying a German girl called Nadine. The wedding was in Germany with about 60% of the audience German and 40% English. At the start of my speech I stripped off my suit to reveal full Lederhosen underneath -  which got a great laugh!

SPEECH 9-10 mins long

My apologies to the members of the audience who only speak English, I’m afraid I have written this speech entirely in German. Anyone who does not understand what I’m saying I can email them a copy next week. Sorry.

German part

(Written phonetically to help pronounce!)

Gruse gott! (hello/God bless)

Ik hyser Sam, oont bin Richard’s Traughzeugar. (my name is Sam and I am Richard’s Best Man)

Ik bin zear stoles by dair hockside minus besten froyndes oont zyner vundershoenan frwow debai soo zyne. (I am very proud to witness the wedding of my best friend to his beautiful wife)

Oont hertzleeken gloockvunch an Yogi Loov oont zyner nasional elf zum zeeg geegen England by dair letsten veltmeistershaft! (I wish to congratulate Joachim Low and the national side for beating England in the last World Cup!)

Enshoidigung… foer mine shlectez Doytch aba Ik harba mine bestes gigeaban. (Sorry for my terrible German, I have tried my best)

English part

Sorry that’s enough of my terrible German, back to my mother tongue.

On behalf of Richard and Nadine I’d like to thank you all for coming, some of you have travelled far and wide just to be here. It still amazes me to see what some people will do for free food and booze!

I’d like to congratulate the bridesmaids on all looking lovely today and commiserate the Ushers because I hear that none of them are single.

First things first I just want to say a massive thank you to the Groom himself for choosing me as his Best Man! I must say that I was very shocked when he asked me! Not because we aren’t the best of friends but simply because I actually know him very very well. He has given me an unparalleled opportunity to get him back for all the times he embarrassed me at Sunday dinner round my parents – what were you thinking???

To those of you who don’t know Richard as well as I do, he may come across as a very polite, well mannered gentleman.

I’m sorry to have to shatter this elusion but this couldn’t be further from the truth!

Richard’s sister Liz once summed him up perfectly in one sentence. She described him as “A grim man, leading a grim life”

(insert funny picture)

A wise old man once told me that during a best man’s speech you should never include toilet humour or tell any disgusting stories which might offend certain members of the audience.

I’m afraid that doing a best man’s speech for this Groom in particular makes this advice impossible to follow.

I think Richard has been caught short on his journey to the toilet more times than I’ve had foreign holidays. That’s really saying something because I’m a well travelled man!

Richard and I met at 12 years of age when we were both mischievous, immature, pre-pubescent school boys. The only difference now being that we are no longer school boys and have both sprouted considerable amounts of body hair!

I think it’s safe to say that Richard and I have a very close friendship. We have studied together, played various sports together, gone on holiday together, lived together, we’ve even slept together!

One morning after an extremely drunken night I woke up bleary eyed to find non other than Richard lying beside me. I immediately turned and said to him “what the hell do you think you are doing in my bed”

To which Richard replied “what he hell do you think you are doing in my bed?!”

We both looked at each other quite confused at this point.

I said “Richard look around you – this is my bedroom!”

Then he said “Oh yeah, sorry mate, I crept into your bed late last night because I was so pissed I thought I might die in my sleep and only you could save me!”

It was a very beautiful moment.

I wish I could have acted out Richard’s voice in that conversation, but I’m afraid we haven’t got all night.

CHOW MEIN

I have learnt many things about Richard over the years; one thing I do know , is to never get on the wrong side of him.

Richard once fell out very badly with our housemate at university. This housemate decided to let down Richard’s bicycle tires on the morning of his exam. Needless to say Richard did not take kindly to this. In revenge, Richard took this other man’s Chinese meal in the fridge and turned it into a French delicacy. One could only name this dish ‘Noodles a la Crème’

Cardboard box story

Richard has been known to eat some very strange things himself over the years. I think none quiet as strange as the time he decided to eat an entire cardboard box! I’m afraid to say this is a true story which doesn’t finish happily ever after. Richard was constipated for about 2 weeks after this tragic event.

Stag Do

I don’t think I could sit down today without mentioning the amazing stag do which took place a couple of weeks ago in Budapest.

The weekend went down an absolute storm and rumour has it that Todd Phillips is going to be base The Hangover 3 on some of our antics. The weekend started with Richard being given only 30 seconds to choose 3 essential items from his suitcase to take with him. I think the majority of normal men would perhaps choose their passport, washbag and Wallet. Richard is not a normal man – he decided that one of his essential items was his beloved Rubix cube!

I won’t go in to too much detail on the Stag Do because there are women and children present!

But I remember a very sensible discussion we had at the start of the stag do which was ‘what do you think Britain’s biggest export product is?’

No-one seemed to know for sure and there were various ideas banded around. It wasn’t until day two of the stag do when Richard was striped butt naked in front of us all that we finally found out what Britain’s biggest export was!!

Nadine I think some of the women in this audience would say that you were a very lucky lady!!!

Nadine

I think you will all agree with me when I say how stunning the bride looks today.

Nadine really is a thing of beauty and Richard is a very lucky man to have her.

I can’t say I have always approved of Richard’s choice of girlfriend over the years but in Nadine I think he has actually found his soul mate.

I became especially fond of Nadine at one of Richard’s fancy dress parties. Nadine came dressed as Rudi Voller. She was so convincing I nearly asked for her autograph.

 She then took part in all of the wrestling games that were organised and got very drunk throughout the night. At this point I had a feeling Nadine was the one for Richard.

I would say that Nadine’s qualities are that she is kind, intelligent, funny and even quite sensible. I think this is perfect evidence for the old saying that opposites attract!

Nadine and Richard have had to jump over some fairly major hurdles on their path to true love. One of these being when Richard was very poorly in Germany and had to have a major spinal operation, which rendered him bed bound for over a month. I wish to thank Nadine for taking care of my best friend during this time.

I don’t think I could have been as caring, understanding, brave and thorough when faced with the task of wiping his bottom.

I know certain subjects are a no-go during a best man’s speech. One of these being the groom’s ex girlfriends. But I’m afraid I’m going to have to go there…

Richard has not always been as lucky or used such great judgement when selecting a partner. I remember when he was 16 he went out with a girl who was easily double his weight.

There was once an incident involving Richard, his then girlfriend and a cuddly toy dolphin called Shawnie.

Don’t worry Richard I’m not REALLY going to go there!!!

That’s perhaps a story best kept for later.

As you can all see Nadine and all five of her bridesmaids are natural beauties – but I’m afraid beauty doesn’t come as effortlessly to everyone, some of us and we need to put a lot of effort in to look our best.

Would you agree Richard?

(Insert picture of groom in mud face mask from morning of wedding)

Sentimental

Richard I know I have given you a bit of hard time during the last 10 minutes and you probably like me about 40% less, I just want to say what a great friend you have been to me over the years; you truly are my partner in crime, you are my Bonnie and I’m your Clyde 

You are my brother from another mother. Hi Sue.

You have consistently made me laugh out loud and wince in disgust in equal measure over the years

But my life would have been far less interesting without knowing you!

You really have found an amazing woman in Nadine and it’s clear for all to see that you love each other very much.

I wish you both all the happiness in the world together.

Ladies and Gentlemen can you all rise to toast the Bride and Groom……………

“To Mr and Mrs Malpass!!!!”

Haha – Well yes you're right the tale of someone spunking in another man's Chow Mein is not normally a story i'd tell in front of children but I kind of hid the true meaning of the story from them by just calling it 'Noodles a la Creme'. Those who are too young or innocent to get the joke wont get it and it will go over their heads.

The speech went very well actually, the Germans really appreciated my attempt at German, they did however say they didn't understand everything I said in English, although all of the English in the crowd laughed lots. The Groom was suitably embarrassed but said he absolutely loved it.

What did you think when you read it? Crossed the line?

Sam.