Excellent speech emailed to us from Adrian who says this here site helped him with writing his speech, go us!

*******

After an introduction like that, I can hardly wait to hear myself
speak.

Good afternoon everyone, my name is also Adrian and I'm also the
Best Man.

Firstly, on behalf of everyone, may I thank you both for the
presents and flowers, and for allowing us all to share in your special day.

Ladies and Gentlemen, as you can see there is more than one Best
Man. So why does it take three of us? Well, as the man said when I bought my
suit, 'There's a lot to fit in'.

I know it's hard to believe, but I'm terrified. Under this cool,
suave, good-looking but slightly overweight exterior, I'm actually really very
nervous. I just want you all to know, because I'm so nervous, I'm picturing you
all in your underwear. But especially (name).  

I think there are 2 reasons Andrew asked me to be best man, firstly
not everyone knows me so he can try and convince you all later that I'm a liar,
and second who better to make him look slimmer on the wedding photos.

It was, of course, a great honour to be asked to be Best Man, but from
the moment Andrew asked me to do it, it was clear that I needed to prepare as I
wanted to do the job justice. So I decided some research was needed and I
turned to the Internet. But as most of the men in this room will know, when
you’re on the Internet it is quite easy to get side tracked…..

So, after many fun-filled hours of side-tracking (I found some
really good stuff….I think it was German), I decided to go further. So I
watched "My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding". And I have to say, today I was
expecting a fight, illuminated suits and lots more fake tan.

Now apparently, my main duty today is to give you all an
introduction to Andrew, relating tales about his crazy adventures as a young
man, his run-ins with the police, the marathon sessions in the pub and his
string of meaningless flings. I should then introduce the benevolent influence
of Martin on our young hero, as Martin struggled to tame a man with an approach
to life that combined ape-like urges with gay abandon. Of course, I can't cover
everything, so I'm just going to concentrate on the gay abandon.

But what can I say about Andrew that hasn't already appeared on an
episode of Jeremy Kyle?

Well, there are some stories you can tell at a wedding, and then
there are others that might be interesting to tell, but really can't be told.
The ones that Andrew invented about himself and then had published in the
reader’s section of a top shelf magazine, would be a perfect example.

Andrew and I first met at our Catholic Secondary School. My first
impression of Andrew was a guy with a really distinctive sense of fashion style
and, being young and impressionable, I started to copy him in the sorts of
things he used to wear – until my mother grounded me for borrowing my sister's
clothes.

Now one of the only women to turn Andrew's head was Miss Appleby,
our Art teacher. I recall one day in class when she asked Andrew, who was
working hard, what he was drawing.

Andrew replied, "I'm drawing God."

Miss Appleby paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks
like."

Without looking up from his drawing, Andrew said, "Well, they
will in a minute."

In much the same way that we remember where we were during any
momentous occasion, when the Berlin Wall came down, the Twin Tower attacks,
when Halle Berry walked out the sea in Die Another Day, I remember exactly
where I was when Andrew told me that he had some important news. I was sitting
on his bed. Back then I was just a young man. I was naive. I couldn't even
predict who was going to get bumped off in an episode of Casualty. Now there
was nothing there that gave me any idea what he was about to tell me. Not the
George Michael poster or the Athena print of a topless man holding a baby or
the compilation tape of Eurovision Hits playing in the background. My finely
honed investigative skills are something of a recent development.

It took Andrew a long time to tell me what he wanted. He couldn't
actually say what he wanted to, clearly not something he has a problem with
now. So he sat and wrote a note, then spent another 20 minutes deciding whether
to hand it to me. When I finally read it, I was relieved and a little annoyed.
The note said "I believe I am gay". I thought, is that it? I thought
he was dying.

When I got home later, I thought about what Andrew had told me. And
I thought, "of course he's gay". I should have guessed really. The
clues were there. If we were at school and anyone picked on him, Andrew would
challenge them to a dance-off.

And if you don't believe Andrew would do that, see me afterwards and
I'll tell you about a YouTube video of Andrew in a dance-off with a 7 year old
girl.

Now I don't know if any of you have seen the unforgettable spectacle
that is Andrew dancing. I have. I remember when my parents took me and some
friends out for my birthday. Not exactly the sort of party I wanted, but you
have to humour them. After the meal, the music began, and Andrew got up and
decided to throw some shapes. I have to admit, I was a little scared when he
started. Even my Dad thought he was having some sort of fit.

It turns out he was actually Voguing to Madonna. I am a little
nervous about the disco tonight, and am hoping that there are paramedics on
standby, because I hope that Andrew hasn't been taking dance tips from another
old woman…. Anne Widecombe.

As Andrew reached puberty, he became interested and then almost
obsessed with something small and purple. I clearly mean The Artist Formally
Known As Prince. I think there are two reasons why Andrew likes Prince so
much…they both look good in heels and wearing them helps them reach light
switches.

This was around the time Andrew moved away to the bright lights of
Leeds. I went to Hull so I think he got the better deal. We didn't lose touch,
but we weren't in contact that often. Andrew was studying and I was busily
training hard for my cage fighting career.

Then Andrew met Martin. Members of the jury, as you know, it is
customary for the Best Man to slaughter his Groom. Well, to reflect the equal
status, I thought I'd break with tradition and instead talk about Martin – and
how Andrew selected him from a drop-down menu.

Andrew is an old romantic and booked a table for himself and Martin
on Valentine's Day. I knew there was going to be trouble because Martin is
rubbish at snooker.

I'm not saying that Andrew often gets things wrong, but only the
other day he text me from casualty. Apparently the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't
exactly what he thought it was.

It's clear that Andrew and Martin make a terrific couple, each
bringing something unique to the equation. In fact Andrew was only saying
earlier that Martin is very handy to have around, especially for reaching
things from high cupboards.

For some time now, we've all been waiting expectedly for the most
hotly tipped announcement of the decade. Then it happened. Finally, Martin had
got down on one knee. At least for a short time, they were the same height.

I'm sorry, I really shouldn't make demeaning or patronising jokes
about Andrew's height, I'm bigger than that.

I think it fabulous that Andrew and Martin can now legally make a
commitment to each other, but this wasn't always possible. Many people didn't
like the idea. Arnold Schwarzenegger famously spoke out against gay marriages,
presumably before going back to wearing a G-string, slathering body oil all over
his muscles, and posing in a room full of guys.

Having been married myself for 11 years, 6 months, 22 days, 8 hours
and 45 minutes, my own experience has led me to condense some advice for you
both…. Love, honour and cherish each other, but most importantly, don't
forget to take out the bins.

Nearly done now, so before I exchange my cue cards for a large
single malt at the bar, (thats a hint by the way), I would like to finish with
this.

When Andrew asked me to be his best man, at first I was afraid, I
was petrified. I have spent the best part of a year worrying about this speech
and then about 2 weeks ago it suddenly came to me……..

Nobody else could stand where I am right now and feel more proud and
more honoured than me to be able to represent Andrew today. Andrew and Martin
are a very special couple. They're funny, generous and loving. And I'm sure we
all wish them the very best as they start their new adventure together.

If I was less awesome, I'd be crying now.

With that in mind, it now gives me immense pleasure, not to mention
relief, to announce that by the power invested in me by a website, I very
proudly give you Andrew and Martin.