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12:53 pm
March 9, 2010
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Following my little whinge about people who don't reply to emails, I got onto thinking about the rudest thing anyone has ever done at a wedding? And I mean offensive rude, we don't want to hear about your exploits with the Bride's cousin in the vestry…
The cousins who turned up halfway through the service with a screaming baby?
The former friend who turned up uninvited and drank the bar dry?
Any classic comments from mother-in-laws about how it was "a pity you didn't have time to get your suit fitted properly"?
Spill the beans Staggered fans.
1:26 pm
May 26, 2009
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This isn't really offensive, more actionable. In my defence I was really shitfaced…
So we went to someone from my wife's office wedding and we were sat on the same table as her boss, who was a COLOSSAL COWBAG. Em used to get really upset about how nasty she was – she was one of those types who feel like everyone is a threat to them so she'd rip into everyone and make them feel small, a shitebag basically.
Em had made me promise not to get drunk because she knew we'd be sat near her, so I did what came naturally: drank whisky (never touched it since) until the only thing I knew was a single point of rage, focused entirely on her boss.[blankspot]
The next morning everything's a bit frosty, so I laugh it off (never apologise). Emma later tells me that it was all very social but my parting shot said with a smile on my face was "and if you're not nicer to Emma and everyone on the team, I'll bury you."
I'm really not the violent type. I'm certainly not the burying type.
Postscript: the boss was a lot nicer to everyone and left not long after. Ergo – booze wins.
2:46 pm
March 9, 2010
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Nice.
I think the best I've got is telling the Bride's younger brother, who was 18 and just about to head off to the Exciting World of Higher Education, that "Nothing matters in your first year of Uni", that passing a degree was a "Piece of Piss", and he should basically spend the next three years getting shitfaced and shagging around.
I got an interesting phone call about a week later that started with the doom-laden phrase: "What have you been telling my brother??"
I have a feeling he's still unemployed 
10:06 pm
October 7, 2009
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My mate's reception was at a rather nice Llandudno hotel, and at one point I was watching a spot of Wales rugby with his dad and brother and a few other guys when one of the waiting staff came over, asked what the score was and stood not only watching the match, but shouting at the telly. All this while on his shift. I thought that was pretty rude.
2:34 pm
That's Mr Groom To You
June 22, 2010
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At my brother's wedding a kind contibution from the Bride's Uncle gave them enough champagne for a bottle per person, most of which was drunk before dinner by our Northern relatives.
During my brothers speech he was he was doing the 'thank yous and presents' bit, and the other ushers and I had already been up to get our gifts (leftover champagne) to polite appluse from all expect the table of Northerners, whopping and hollering.
Then my brother's mate was called up, who'd designed the invites for them. As the polite appluase died down to silence and he walked past the table of Northerners, one Aunty completey lost her inner monolouge and shouted "WHO ARE YOU?!"
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