You Are Stupid If You Propose Like This

With St Valentine’s Day coming up, some of you will have a mental cross on the 14^th Feb as the perfect day to pop the question. If you’ll allow us to be perfectly blunt: don’t. Take some mental Tipp-Ex, paint carefully over that mental cross and have a re-think – unless, that is, you want her reply to include yawning.

Popping the question on St Valentine’s Day is a cliché, and here at Staggered, we like to encourage our enlightened readership to think a bit harder. Here’s a handy guide to the other proposals you should avoid like monkey with a machine gun.

At a football match

Stereotypically speaking, men love sports. But unless your beloved shares that feeling, you should probably avoid the over-the-tannoy proposal. There’s nothing less romantic than pies, beer bellies and bald blokes chanting about where the goalie’s wife takes it. And if you get rejected, the jeers will all be directed at you.

The edible ring

Aside from the choking hazard (see right for full Hiemlich Maneuver instructions), your bride-to-be really doesn’t want to have to hunt for her ring in a chocolate soufflé. Worst-case scenario, she eats it and you have to spend the next three days sifting through fiancé midden to get it back. Save yourself the time and rubber gloves and go back to the drawing board.

During a fight

It might put an end to the tiff but it will seem utterly insincere. Just do the bloody washing up and save the proposal for another time.

At another wedding

Wrong for so many reasons. Firstly, your beloved does not want to share one of the most special moments in her life with anyone, and especially not in the presence of a female acquaintance who’s been pampered to perfection for the occasion. Secondly, it looks like you’re very suggestible. And thirdly, if you announce it on someone else’s day, you’re a thunder-stealing dunderhead.

On holiday

Only acceptable if you know she’ll say yes, because it’s impossible to escape if you’re rejected. Imagine it: hostile glances in the pool, tears on the beach and begging over the bad “English” breakfast. For seven to fourteen days.

On finding out she’s pregnant

When searching for the right words, “I suppose we’d better get married then,” is never the right phrase. Just because you and your unmarried partner find out you’re expecting, it’s not an excuse to phone a half-arsed proposal in.

By email/text/facebook

Just no. Don’t even think about it. The same applies to a paper note, with check boxes saying Yes, No and Maybe. This will only work if you are nine years old and your wedding guests are Care Bears.

During sex

We can all say funny things during the vinegar strokes, but a proposal should never be one of them. In T-30 seconds, you’ll probably feel quite differently, or be asleep.

On TV

Wouldn’t it be fun to take something private and do it in the most public forum possible? No it wouldn’t – it would be pressuring and potentially very embarrassing. Especially if you’re on a Jeremy Kyle episode entitled I Love You But I Love Your Mum Too. And never forget the potential for things to go horribly FAIL:

Related Posts:

• She Said Yes (Part 2)
• 10% Propose While Their Partner Does The Cleaning
• Vintage Picnics: A Superior Way To Propose
• A Decent Proposal
• Mmmbop And Questions Popped Part One