What’s Wrong With Weddings – A Groom Rants
It’s less than a week before Staggered reader Andy Harris gets married and he wanted to air his views on what he’s learnt from the experience so far. We stood back and marveled at his ranting prowess.
Put the word ‘wedding’ in front of any item and you double the price
This is true for car, cake, dress, flowers and hair but is at its worst when put in front of the word ‘venue’. I would avoid anywhere that markets itself as a specialist wedding venue as they see this as license to take the piss. We have been quoted some vastly overpriced rates for some distinctly average hotels purely because they have conned a succession of gullible couples into believing their patter. The worst was a local pub who wanted to charge us £20 a head to have our reception on garden benches in an unheated, filthy marquee.
Anywhere that markets itself as a specialist wedding venue sees this as license to take the piss.
My tip is don’t type ‘wedding venues in my town’ into google, I wasted far too much time trawling through lists of unsuitable venues that way. There are a host of hotels, quality pubs, private members clubs, sports clubs, halls and other venues with fantastic facilities who just don’t push the wedding angle. It will probably take a bit of leg work to find the perfect place but it will be worth it.
Do not subscribe to the world view offered by wedding magazines
No matter what they tell you, wedding magazines are written for women and a groom is nothing more than a point on the check list. I have read several groom sections (a token page or too) and they are to be avoided. In one account from some ‘real men’ one was wittering on about his ‘burnt orange and vanilla’ colour scheme while the other admitted to having a manicure to relax him.
Firstly, unless you are marrying the dulux dog, burnt orange and vanilla should not be considered colours, they are ice cream flavours at best. The way to decide if something is a colour or not is to ask yourself ‘does a football team play in this colour*’? If the answer is no then it’s not a colour. Secondly, just because manicure has the word ‘man’ in it doesn’t stop it being girly. What I’m trying to say is that the wedding magazine industry way of doing things is far from the only way. Remember you are not an ‘h2b’ you’re a real person.
unless you are marrying the dulux dog, burnt orange and vanilla should not be considered colours
Barter for everything
It’s not very British but the attraction of getting a discount more than half the time should get you interested. This is an area where I bow to the superior skills of my better half and keep my mouth shut while she works her magic. This is the only area of her life where she is the slightest bit pushy or confrontational but has gained confidence after finding out how easy it is. Her favourite line is ‘I like X but I don’t like the price. ’
My favourite was persuading our chosen venue to let us bring our own wine and pay corkage by repeatedly asking the same question phrased differently until they caved in. Apparently they have never done this before and keep trying to find ways to go back on the agreement. We also went round a pub we hated while she randomly pointed at things asking for freebies just to wind up the pompous bar manager.
Wedding fairs are hell
I’ve only been to a couple but they seem to typify everything that is horrible about the wedding industry. I have never seen a collection of people with such supreme and misplaced faith in their own abilities. From the toast master whose sales pitch consisted on asking us what we would do if the hotel burnt down to the wedding planner who wouldn’t let go of my special lady’s arm until she had delivered her patronising sermon of fear. Don’t even get me started on the jazz bands.
I can’t believe you will learn anything there apart from what to avoid. However I have been told that the really good wedding fairs have a lingerie catwalk show. I think I’d make an exception to my rule for that.
Don’t even get me started on the jazz bands.
Nothing is more important than the wedding dress
I know I have complained about the price of things a few times but the wedding dress is one place you shouldn’t be looking to cut corners. It is the key element to making sure your bride to be feels like a princess and will make the biggest impression at the wedding. Your role as a bloke is limited as you can’t see it until the day but giving her ample budget and the time to pick the right one is important.
Be selfish
I have seen far too many couples making decisions either to please other people or because it’s what they think you are meant to do. Everyone has an opinion but the most important one is yours. Why get a harp player or a string quartet if you are really into death metal? This goes for picking the food, outfits, venue, entertainment and most definitely the guest list.
Why get a harp player or a string quartet if you are really into death metal?
A good friend of mine seemed to spend his entire wedding on an endless circuit of smiling and hand shaking just to get round all the guests that had been invited. He was so preoccupied he failed to notice me sneaking into the wedding suite with the ushers and simulating a man-love daisy chain on his marital bed. That made a lovely photo for the album. It may be harder to put your foot down if your aren’t picking up the bill but it really is all about you.
* Before anyone says quotes ‘old gold’ at me I would like to point out that most people don’t consider Wolves to be a football team.
Best wishes for your wedding Andy and remind us to get you started on jazz bands one of these days.
We’re currently looking for columnists for Staggered who have a point of view on the whole wedding experience. You could be a hardcore groomzilla, a depressed florist, a lusty bridesmaid, a best man in love with the bride, a vicar, or a happily married man in his 80s, whatever your story get in touch.
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I would like to add that wedding DJs know nothing about music and should be spoon fed a play list unless you really love hearing Jump by the Pointer Sisters on a loop.
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