What’s The Secret To A Long, Happy Marriage?
Dear Brenda,
Here’s an easy one for you: what’s the secret to making a marriage last?
Cheers,
Long Haul
Dear Long Haul:
Oh, if only I could lay out six or seven rules and assure you that not only would yours be one of the marriages that would last but also that you’d be happy about it. Because, let’s face it, there are plenty of marriages that “last” that are downright miserable.
The truth is, I can’t promise the knot you tie won’t come loose down the road but what I can offer you is a step-by-step guide that will guarantee you a miserable relationship and dramatically increase your chances of walking around with a big “D” on your future online profile. That’s right, Long Haul, I am about to tell you how to destroy your marriage. Here it goes:
Don’t Communicate: Don’t be open and honest about your feelings and never-ever- clarify your assumptions with your partner. Place your own meanings onto their actions and make sure that you allow your feelings to build up inside you so that you can explode and launch into a verbal attack every few months. If you’re not someone who enjoys big explosions, you can choose to make small, biting statements that keep your partner walking on eggshells.
Never Make an Effort to Connect: Ignore your partner during the day and expect him or her to sit around and wait for you, all the while supporting your dreams and goals. Don’t reach out to hold his or her hand, don’t give kisses “just because” and never ask them how their day was or give them your undivided attention, even for just a few minutes a day.
Have Sex With Someone Else: Infidelity is an excellent way to destroy your marriage! In fact, there is no better way to ruin your marriage, dissolve trust and break your partner’s heart than to hop into bed with a third party. Cheating works wonders on a partner’s self-esteem and can have your partner running for a divorce lawyer in record time. If they do stay, don’t worry, they’ll secretly be resenting you and wondering if they made the right decision, crying themselves to sleep and be terrified of a repeat for years.
Side Note: If you do get caught, make sure to deny it so they have to play private detective, and if they still catch you, find a way to turn it around and blame them for straying.
Start an Emotional Affair: If actual sex is too intense for you, simply start an emotional affair or spend most of your sexual energy on other people. Look excessively at porn sites, movies or magazines, deny your partner affection and/or log onto chat rooms where you can have inappropriate conversations with third parties. Another great way is to write inappropriate messages to other men or women on social networking sites.
Fight Like Enemies: When you and your partner have a disagreement, make sure you treat it as though it’s an all-out war. Call your partner names, insult them and the people and things they love and demean them in every way possible. Give them the silent treatment for days and/or do things that you know will upset or hurt them. No matter what you do, never apologize.
Find new and innovative ways to transfer blame for your bad behavior back onto your partner and make excuses. If you’re too tired, simply deny situations ever happened. Name calling is also a wonderful tool, works like a charm.
Be Deceptive: Liars are excellent men and women to follow when looking to destroy your marriage. Tell your partner what you think they want to hear and do whatever you want. Several small lies given over time work as well as whoppers. Lying is right behind cheating when it comes to excellent ways to ruin your marriage.
Feed on Your Resentment: The more resentment, the better. Dwell on how upset and angry you are as often as possible.
Never Encourage Growth: Get angry and upset when your partner wants to develop their mind and passions. Insist they stay exactly the same as they are right now, forever.
Criticize Your Partner: Make sure your partner knows that you have caught every mistake they have ever made, that you have noticed the extra 5 lbs they have gained and that you really don’t think much of their cooking or abilities. Do what you can to destroy your partner’s self-esteem.
Be Selfish: Do what you want to do and expect your partner to deal with it or leave. Don’t compromise or help out with anything, make very little or no efforts to please them, and refuse to show gratitude and appreciation for their love and support. Take the position that you are entitled to their efforts and dismiss their desires as much less important than yours.
And there you have it, Long Haul, some great ways to ruin your marriage and get divorced, I hope they help you in your quest to stay happily married.
Best of Luck,
Brenda Della Casa
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