What Should You Ask The Vicar?

Hello, what are the most important questions to ask the vicar when we meet him. We’ve set up a meeting and I’ve got no idea what to say to him!

First, can we get married in your church?

This sounds obvious but the fact is there are various quirks in the system.

Church of England priests have certain legal privileges. One is that we can marry anyone who lives in our parish and asks us to get married: in fact, with certain provisos, we are obliged to do so, even if they are gun-toting members of the Taliban (not that this particular issue comes up very often!) That’s because we are the national church and according the (geographical) parish system we are responsible for those who live in our parish.

BUT as soon as the prospective bride and groom aren’t living in the parish, the parish priest’s legal mojo reduces considerably. In fact, the couple have to prove their eligibility, by e.g. going to church there regularly for six months, demonstrating that their parents got married in that church, or that their parents-in-law go to church there… There are various criteria: check out www.yourchurchwedding.org to sort out exactly what counts.

But that means that it can be dead easy to get married to each other if one of you lives inside the parish, but really quite tricky, even if you live just 50 metres outside it. This isn’t insuperable, by any means, but it will change the process of how you get the legal permission to get married.

So it’s worth finding out if you live in the parish of the church. You can find this out at www.achurchnearyou.com.

Second, when you fix a date, try to find out who will marry you.

If there’s only one priest in the parish, then in all likelihood the priest you first meet will be the one who’ll marry you, but there may be others who work in the parish and the priests will divide up the marriages between them, so if you’ve got a particular relationship with the vicar who goes for a pint in the pub or whatever, then make sure you express a preference. (But then don’t demand a date in the middle of his/her holiday!)

Third, find out how much it will cost you.

There are some basic charges (there’s a centrally set figure of about £300, which is a rough minimum) but then some churches will charge more for a choir, an organist, a certificate, a verger… This isn’t usually a swindle: someone has to lock up at the end: the organist is a trained musician who has to turn up for, say, two hours on a Saturday afternoon; the verger probably checks the books are all signed to a pukka standard. It can add up in a genuine way.

But, equally, if you’ve got a pretty church in some rural idyll, it’s a safe bet that marriages are a key moneyspinner for them and they may charge more than they strictly need to for the marriage per se. My view is be sympathetic: you’ll be getting married in an amazing location and you can spend more on umpteen other less important things when it comes to getting married.

Fourth, what expectations do you as vicar have of us?

Is a marriage preparation course obligatory or just recommended? When should the rehearsal be (the night before, the Thursday before)? Do you want us to choose the hymns/ choose the readings or will you do it for us?

Anyway, I could go on, but if you get those four questions done, you’ll be on your way.

Congratulations and good luck.

The Reverend Robert Stanier

Chaplain, Archbishop Tenison’s School, Oval Youth minister, North Lambeth team and St Anne with All Saints, South Lambeth.

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