What Not To Say When… You’re Asked To Be The Best Man
“Haven’t you got any other mates?”
Churlish. Especially since, clearly, the answer is no.
“Actually, I was planning to spend that weekend re-reading my collection of Dan Brown novels”
Any other plans you have, they’d better be really good ones that involve being in other continents. World Cup tickets? Sell them on. Date with Megan Fox? Tell her to wait. Dan Brown books? You can probably get through those on the drive to the church.
“Wow, thanks. That’s an honour – and I can’t wait to tell that story about you getting your knob stuck in an orange in my speech.”
Keep nuggets like this for the big day, everyone will enjoy them so much more with the element of surprise. Also, if you bring it up now you’ll probably be fired.
“Wicked. What’s your girlfriend’s name again?”
It’s sort of an unspoken thing that the best man has to be respectful of the bride – it’s just the right thing to do. And tactically wise, since his main (too often overlooked) duty is to shag her best mate, the chief bridesmaid.
“Mate, this is going to be awesome, I know JUST the Nepalese opium den for the stag.”
Staggered is as partial to a bit of smack as the next person who goes to 57 weddings a year, but the best man-ship is a responsibility and your stag is putting his trust in you to help him get to the wedding in one piece. In fact, if we weren’t so addled by all the mood-improvers, Staggered would probably be quite emotional about that.
“But I’ve shagged the bride!”
Staggered was once a guest at a wedding where there was, shall we say, some overlap between friends of the groom and “friends” of the bride. The best man joked that he was going to stand up and say: “Lizzie. Who hasn’t?” This was a fair comment to make but after some debate it was agreed among the group that it was bad form to say it in front of the groom. Let him figure out the source of that itch by himself.
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