What Music Are You Allowed In Church?
My fiancee and I are currently having a disagreement about music/hymns in church. She wants to walk down the aisle to Michael Jackson’s Black or White and wants pop songs to be sung instead of hymns. I am more of a traditional church-goer who wants an old-fashioned service with hymns and organs. What do you suggest?
What a dilemma!
First, I’d suggest we get to the practical side, and then we’ll deal with the theoretical possibilities and issues.
So, the first thing to do is ask the vicar. There are some clergy whose idea is “It’s your wedding, do what you like.” There are others who are quite strict in terms of what goes and what doesn’t: so, ask the vicar if it would even be possible for the Michael Jackson. He/she might say “No” straight away, in which case the problem is solved.
The second thing to do is think about the building, and again the vicar will help. Is there an appropriate sound system? And even if there is, would this work? You might be getting married in a 12th century church in Norfolk, that’s just perfect acoustically for choral evensong but where Michael Jackson’s last great classic of electro-funk-pop just won’t be heard, even if you want it to. As someone once told me, “You can’t fight the building. Or if you do, the building will win.” It’s just possible that the music won’t fly for this reason. Again, problem solved.
But let’s assume you’re in a church that has a perfect sound system and the vicar’s fine with it, what then?
First, it’s an interesting dilemma for you to solve: believe me, married life will be full of many more: who goes where for Christmas, where your kids go to school (whether to have kids in the first place…). So in a way, what matters here is not so much what the eventual outcome is, as how you both feel about getting there. You’ve got to acknowledge that you’ve got different views and recognise you still want to get married together and work through them as best you can.
As for my own views, I like modern music in church at times and I like Black or White, but I just wonder about the tone at this point. I once took a funeral of a man who’d loved cycling. The son insisted that the tune he’d like to finish is “Bicycle Race” by Queen (not exactly sure of the title: it goes “I love to ride my bicycle…” you probably know it.)
Anyway, I could see why he wanted it, and how it seemed right and appropriate and funny when they planned it, so we went ahead with it. But when it actually happened in the crematorium at the end of the service, it wasn’t right at all. It was jaunty just at a time when they were feeling really bereft: they were saying goodbye to someone they had loved: basically, it didn’t work at all.
And I wonder if this wouldn’t be similar here: on the way in to the church, she’ll be nervous, you’ll be nervous and you’ll both be about to be doing something quite solemn. I’m not convinced that it would work. So I wouldn’t personally recommend it for the start of the service: having it on the way out, however, might work well.
And you could have hymns throughout and have this as a light-hearted finish, when people are feeling relaxed and happy anyway. Certainly, I’ve seen “I love you baby” by Andy Williams work well as a closing number for when you leave the church, when it wouldn’t have worked well first up.
Whatever actually happens, though, how you discuss it is as important as the rest of it.
Find a good time to discuss it, even go out for a coffee, and explain why you feel the way you do. Listen carefully to her. Maybe there’s a special reason: was it the first song you danced to? Maybe it can be the song for your first dance at the reception. Who knows?
Good luck.
Robert Stanier
Chaplain, Archbishop Tenison’s School, Oval
Youth minister, North Lambeth team and St Anne with All Saints, South Lambeth
“When a person is happy, they become kind.” Jung Chang
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