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WGOTSOT: What A Punt

Andrew Shanahan Aug 2009 No Comment Bookmark or Share

Name: I’d rather not say

Age: see above

Role: chief bridesmaid

FRIDAY

15:00 Manchester – finish work, get picked up by Anorexic Amanda (AA).

15:10 Roof down, get snacks laid out on car floor, open vodka. Amanda objects to scotch eggs, but goes for a tic-tac.

16:05 Stuck in traffic on M6. Only so much Tony Christie I can take (AA big fan). Decide on mixer for vodka. Pour orange in lap. Look like I’ve pissed myself. Great discussions about the bride and whether she’s making the right decision.

16:10 Conclude she’s making big mistake.

18:22 Forget directions to hotel. Pretend I know where I’m going. I say aim for Oxford. AA has sort of heard of it. She’s from Rochdale. Sorry, she’s never left Rochdale. Bollocks.

19:00 Miss junction on M40. AA now not speaking to me. End up in Gloucester.

21:00 Arrive at hotel. Everyone else has had dinner, I’m pissed and starving. AA has another tic-tac. She’s full.

22:00 In bar. My face is chapped from wind burn from roof down/aggressive driving.

22:01 I tell bride she’s making big mistake.

22:02 Realise, have possibly made error.

22:03 Silence. Plead with eyes for help.

22:05 Everyone else agrees, thank god.

22:06 No sign of the bride.

22:07 Justify comment. We all justify comment. Great discussions on justifying comments. Great great justifications.

23:00 Bride surfaces. Orders whiskey, and gin. For everyone.

23:45 Couldn’t tell you if I tried.

01:15 Bride in agreement with great discussions on justifications. All very happy. And pissed. Order champagne.

01:30 Bride says she’s still getting married, cos she’s bought the dress, and her family have paid for travel arrangements, and she’s always wanted to go the Maldives.

01:42 I offer to go to Maldives with her.

01:42 Amanda offers to go to Maldives with her

01:42 Lisa offers to go to Maldives with her

01:42 Joanne offers to go to Maldives with her.

01:44 Simple cousin Tracey offers to go to Maldives with her.

SATURDAY

09:00 At breakfast. Full English. Bride plays with food. Eat in silence. Amanda sucks on a baked bean.

11:00 Pissed.

12:30 Get picnic food.

13:10 Order a punt. Go boating round the water thing. Can’t find Amanda.

13:12 Amanda hiding behind punting stick.

14:00 Champagne and Cheese on river back. No mentions of last night.

15:18 Boys.

15:22 Boys on bank. Posh boys on bank with deck shoes and port.

15:26 Assert my role as chief bridesmaid by demanding boys join us.

16:12 Insist on wearing deck shoes. Slip down bank into river.

16:15 Get dragged out by Tarquin and his mate, Tarquin.

18:01 Go for food. Sit on own. Apparently I stink.

22:00 Have row with bride re: twat of a fiance.

22:35 Taxi leaves. Without me.

23:00 Sit on bench in park. Pissed, crying and stinking. Pass out.

23:34 Wake up stroking amputee tramps stump.

00:00 AA returns in car and picks me up. Go home.

MONDAY

09:30 Have duties removed.

09:31 And invite to wedding.

Happy Wedding!

If you’d like to share your real-life stag or hen-do story with us then we’re all ears. Bung us an email to iamstaggered@gmail.com and we’ll let you know what we need (and don’t worry you can change names, just not the sordid details).

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