WGOTSOT: Paintball, Sauna, Mental Breakdown
State your made-up name: Mr Ian
How old are you: Thirty seven-ish
Role at wedding: “Best Man”
09:00 And as I lie behind this abandoned Ford Mondeo in a soggy Essex field with a crazed company of jacked-up, heavily-armed junior-execs racing towards me, all I can hear in my head are my own words: “Oh yeah man, that’d be fantastic! Cheers! Of course I’ll be your best man. It’d be an honour!”
It wasn’t till later I realised I had to actually do things. That explains paintballing in Essex, in the rain. Somewhat. Can’t help thinking though, “twenty-five years of friendship and all you can be arsed to do is drag Jonathan here, shoot him, and then buy him a curry.” It’s not off to the best of starts.
12:00 Back on the train to civilization and the sauna/steam bath I found to ease us into the night’s adventures. But first more lessons for the novice best man. I’m learning, for example, that when it comes to the stag do budget is an even dirtier subject than the Essex field we’ve left behind. No one seems impressed that today won’t break the bank! And it seems that the idea of an agenda is definitely off the agenda – and my clipboard is a bit officious, apparently – so they’re out the window, literally.
It’s only three hours in and I’ve already lost the faith (and company) of half Jonathan’s mates so I’m going to have to really pull out the stops to prove myself the best man.
14:00 And by far the slowest local train has just crawled into central London, so it’s underground to make our way to Islington to what I’m sure will be a top notch sauna. After all, I must have spent five minutes researching our options last night.
It’s only when the doors have closed and the clothes been stored in the lockers that I realise that far from being the modern, cross-gender sauna offering the possibility of nubile female bodies in a state of undress that I’d PROMISED TO THE STAGS, that what we have in fact stumbled into is the elephant’s graveyard of gentleman-only saunas.
14:10 The fact that our numbers have fallen away to only three is fast becoming a positive, as we head for the steam bath. One of the older members saunters over to inspect the new arrivals and it becomes painfully apparent that his absence of shorts is matched also by an absence of penis, both of which he appears to have left somewhere else, or loaned out.
15:30 A moment to reflect and make a mental note to self. If the sauna website doesn’t give much more than an address and phone number, probably worth calling ahead and asking one or two questions rather than just turning up with some men you don’t know, and seeing how it goes. That’s a useful insight sat beside a very excited masseuse touting for business. No really, I’m fine thanks, I like being tense.
17:00 There comes a time during the stag do when beer will become a necessity. This is usually about 9am so by my reckoning I’m at least eight hours late with my idea of getting some bar work in, aside from that cheeky pint with lunch.
It seems that giving men the freedom to exert extreme violence on one another and then immediately exposing them to a very intimate and very up-front same-sex environment, without the aid of beer, is tantamount to animal cruelty! Who’d have thought it?
21:00 It’s all going swimmingly now. We’re on pub number whatever and we’ve regained the lost half of the group! And it turns out close male nudity is actually hilarious! As is the seventy-percent bruising and facial scaring inflicted on Jonathan! He looks very happy for a man who’s had enough paint shot at him to redecorate a small bungalow, inside and out.
22:30 Brick Lane lives up to its reputation with an abundance of Indian restaurants using the exact same Time Out review on their window, and promise of free lager. Beer eyes read the first line then the sight of a microphone and free stage secures the deal and we’re through the door with a reverberating cheer. Tonight Matthew, I will be a very poorly Cher.
01:00 Several courses too many later, and after a group rendition of ‘All the things she said’ with a passing nod to the original tempo, it’s time to pour onto the streets of East London in search of sexy, sexy. Seems the rest of the restaurant had a similar idea about the time we arrived.
01:15 This is roughly when it occurs to me that far from knowing where I’m going, the rejected agenda contained the name and address of the salubrious strip bar I’d located, after more internet searching than was probably necessary.
02:00 The sad truth is – there is no easy way to tell a groom that his one chance of having guiltless exposure to young, fresh, smoothly-tanned and coconut-scented female flesh is not going to happen because his best man has lost the strip club. Personally, I found dropping that particular bombshell as I slammed the taxi door on the comatose groom to be the best option.
02:15 My lucks in. Seems it’s just me and the “reformed” alcoholic in this cab back to Jonathan’s house. The conversation went:
HIM: Let’s stop and get whiskey.
ME: Yeah, let’s stop and get a bottle of Whiskey.
HIM: Two bottles of whiskey.
ME: What? Two? OK. Yeah I guess five years is a long time to be off the booze, I guess you deserve a treat.
04:50 Sprawled on the lounge floor, fully dressed, copy of What PC? for a pillow. Hey, isn’t that the guy I got the cab with? Why are there two empty bottles of whiskey on the floor? What’s he doing climbing out the first floor window? Who’s that he shouting at? Oh, it’s just the police.
Happy wedding Jonathan!
If you’d like to share the true story of your stag or hen-do just email us the details but bear in mind we need all the details – we want the blood, the hangover, the shaky knee sex behind the bins of the Odeon. You can of course change names and incriminating details. Just give us the dirt.
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Funny that you’re incrimenting the time by so little! When you were talking about the train ride it made me think of going places when i was in Japan! The trains were always so much trouble because there were so many people!
lol
Oh, it’s the police, funny.
my boys would kill me if i sent in stuff about them. hahahahah…. maybe i will.
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