WGOTSOT: A Filthy Business In Wales

Welcome to WGOTSOT where stag and hen-do attendees tell us what really happened in their own (often disgusting) words. If you’re easily offended by scenes of a grubby sexual nature then don’t read on.

• Name: Couldn’t quite remember by 5pm but you can call me Kathy.
• Age: Old enough to reek of desperation.
• Role: Friend of the bride.

Friday

0730 : Get up. Still drunk from night before. Pack bag badly.

0745: Vomit

0805: In car with two girls I’ve never met before. They are really posh. Get slightly concerned I’m going to have a boring weekend with lawyer types.

1000: Get woken up at services. Have a wee. It stinks of cider.

1100: Arrive in a lay-by. Meet real mates. Swap cars.

1105: Back on the cider, bonus, we’ve got twigglets.

1300: Arrive at Stag & Hen do hostel in Wales. Unpack bag. Realise I have bought sum total of a knicker, three t-shirts and no jeans. I am wearing shorts. Nice.

1430: In field. It’s raining. Surrounded by barrels and over eager posh birds. Still, Instructor Jim is fit. Apparently we’re going to be building rafts. And rowing them round a lake. Oh joy. I can’t swim and my life time fear is drowning. However, if lake was made of cider (pre piss) I’d risk it.

1445: Raft still being built. Me and Jim are getting on really well. Fat Sharon has gone for a burton in the lake. Slightly concerned there will be water left now, but luckily she coughs most of it out of her cavernous hole so rafting’s back on. Jim has a massive cock. You can see it through his shorts. Wideon alert.

1530: Hilarity ensues. Rafting round lake, with high japes, oh what fun. Our raft takes twice as long as me and Fat Sharon are sat on the same side. Bit difficult to row when half the crew are in mid-air and you’re going round in circles. Still we didn’t sink. Fat Sharon has wind. We floated round.

1700: Back at hostel. Loads of stag-dos. Prime meat everywhere. I have a shower and knock one out. Apply fanny batter behind ears to attract a mate. Never fails. I get the girls to do it too. With their own. Not mine.

1800: Shit-faced. Posh bride has removed her knickers and is “Slugging it” up and down the conservatory door! Posh bird turns out not to be posh bird. She is a whore. Tonight rocks.

1835: Stag-do approaches. Scent of a woman you see. Can’t go wrong. Fat Sharon drags some poor bloke called Barry off to the bbq, with a bloke called Trevor, who I think works here.

1900: Get fingered in doorway of Costcutter by a man in a lumberjack shirt. Get disturbed by woman who “only popped in for bread”, and go back to party.

1910: Fat Sharon is enjoying the bbq. I think she’s on the spit roast now. No sign of the posh whore bride.

1930: Try to find Costcutter boy. All the men are wearing lumberjack shirts. Very confused. Only one way to find him. Sniff.

2200: No idea.

2300: Double daring it. Go off to reapply fanny batter. Don’t feel well.

0000: ……….nope……….

Saturday

0100: Roughly being groped awake by Costcutter boy, asking me why I’ve got lipstick on my neck.

0735: Wake up on floor of hostel. Have slipped off plastic mattress cover. Everything hurts.

0755: Eventually get up to go to loo. Got painters in. Posh bride no where to be found.

1030: Pack up car. Reassure bride that it doesn’t look anything like a love bite and it will be fine.

1100: Stop at services. Fat Sharon is convinced she’s pregnant. I’ve got period pain, and lipstick round my……oh.

Happy Wedding!

If you’d like to share the true story of your stag or hen-do just email us the details but bear in mind we need ALL the details – we want the blood, the hangover, the shaky knee sex behind the bins of the Odeon. You can of course change names and incriminating details, in fact if you don’t we will. Just give us the dirt.

Related Posts:

• Going A Little Bit Loopy
• The Ultimate Hen-Do Playlist