Trash the suit
Trashing the dress has been a big trend of late in weddings, with brides rushing to spoil their thousands-worth of Jenny Packham by jumping in the sea or leaning on something a bit grubby while a photographer takes “arty” pics. But here at Staggered we agree with the millions of bridesmaids who have secretly whispered to themselves, why should the bride get all the attention? Here are our ideas for how the groom can steal the show and trash the suit.
1. Car impression
While many dress-trashings take place at a photoshoot after the big day, you can save time and money by spraying “Just married” on your back in shaving foam (all but the most flexible grooms will need help with this) and sewing some empty cans to the seat of your keks. There’s also the option to carry a comedy horn to toot as you walk off into married life, still blissfully unaware that what the best man actually wrote was “c***”.
2. Bike ride
This is definitely one for the boys; imagine the carnage if the bride gets her crinoline stuck in the chainset. Take a mountain bike round the hills and do a few jumps and skids. Or, if you’re getting wed in a city, a couple of those murky grey puddles sans mudguards will do it. Chain’s come off? Fix it and wipe the oil down on your trews.
3. Post-wedding football game
Take a break from the disco, or get up the next morning, put your suit back on and have a kick-about with the lads. The muddier, the better.
4. DIY
When Alan Shearer won the Premiership with Blackburn Rovers in 1995, the PFA Player of the Year commented that he was going to celebrate by “going home to creosote the fence”. Was he still wearing his post-match suit? History doesn’t relate, but if he was, chances are it was in a right state by the end of it. This is a surefire way to inflict damage on your ceremonial threads, and what bride will complain about seeing a bit of work get done on the marital home?
5. Glastonbury
Is there any better way to see off an item of clothing than by attending the South West’s annual mud-and-beer fest? Staggered, which poured a box of red wine all down its face and clothing last year, says no.
6. Bodily fluids
More than one groom has become so drunk that he threw up on himself, but why stop there? Accidentally missing the urinal creates a lovely spray pattern on your trousers, and the smell should repel boring wedding guests. It’ll repel all wedding guests, of course, and very likely your wife, but it’s certainly one way to get your wedding video on YouTube.
7. Food fight
It starts with you squirting a bit of mustard at the best man. It ends with you rinsing icing sugar off your cufflinks. A great way to get the guests involved in a suit-trashing. But probably one for weddings in gardens, since most venues won’t thank you for chucking the food around.
8. Real fight
You’ve spent months listening to your father-in-law go on about how much this wedding is costing him, and enduring your brother-in-law’s condescending advice about “how to handle women”. Now it’s all behind you, why not let rip? The bloodstains down your front will look really arty, and it’s a great way to get rid of all that aggression before you go on your honeymoon.
OK, we admit it, we got to 8 and ran out of ideas. But ten to one, you hired the suit from Moss Bros anyway. Why lose the deposit?
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