Creating The Ultimate Stag-Do
What makes the ultimate stag do? Got an idea in your mind? Yeah, are you living it large in Amsterdam with all mates? Yeah? No! You’re thinking too small! We’re talking the ultimate, no-holds-barred, money’s no object, once in a lifetime celebration conceivable! We’re talking they’ll-make-a-film-about-this-one-day sort of stag-do. Craig Morris reads up on how to plan a stag-do and gives it a go…
Factor 1: The issue of time.
Day One
The first thing we need to consider is the time-frame. You can’t get shit done in one night, unless you’re taking the Ghost of Christmas past along for the ride, and let’s face it, that guy is a major buzz-kill. Let’s go for the long weekend. But why not a week, heck, why not a fortnight I hear you cry? Because you should always leave the crowd wanting more. And because we have a wedding to survive long enough to see.
Factor 2: Location, location, location.
Our second biggest consideration is location. With money no object, choosing between all the epic stag destinations across the globe is going to be difficult, and we shouldn’t have to pin it down to just one. For each aspect of the ultimate stag there is a perfect location, so for example, if gambling is on the agenda, it has to happen in Vegas. Blackpool or your local Mecca Bingo just won’t do.
We don’t want all our time taken up by travel of course, which brings us to our next point: the ride. Private jet, anyone? It’s important to have a designated driver too, not just because we don’t know how to fly a plane, but because we’re going to abuse our livers in a variety of exotic locales.
Factor 3: Who’s who?
So who’s on the guest list? As well as our closest friends, we’re going to want to party with some true legends. Obviously we can’t drop by the ’70s to pick up Georgie Best and Ollie Reed, so we’ll be hooking up with their current contemporaries – let’s say Will Ferrell and Rooney looks like he’d be able to hold his beer.
The Ultimate Stag Blueprint
Day 1 is to be a truly British affair. Today’s the day of the pub crawl, so it’s a full English breakfast to line the stomach, before jetting off for a Guinness in Dublin. And a Magners. And a Baileys. As nobody fancies wearing a mask and carrying a gun there, we’ll be heading down to the Welsh forests for a spot of quad-mounted paintballing.
After all that excitement we’ll need a well-deserved rest, so we’ll nip up to the Highlands for a round of golf at Gleneagles. We race Jack Nicholson and Sean Connery across several greens before inviting them along. The 19th hole here is a luxury 5 star hotel, where we’ll be dining on lobster and drinking champagne. We can’t stop though, as we have a long journey ahead of us. So it’s back into the jet for a night flight and kip whilst watching a selection of classic men films.
Day 2 finds us starting as we mean to go on, in terms of libations, making the most of the fabulous in-flight accommodation as we jet across to Russia for a little authentic vodka in Moscow. Our air hostess is a local, and insists we can expect a warm reception from her many sisters and cousins, doing wonders for Russio-Britainian relations.
Once we’ve learned the Russian for “Get your coat. And your hat. And your scarf. You’ve pulled”, we continue to head east for authentic sushi and sake in Tokyo. There’s a Disneyland here, so this is our chance to take the It’s A Small World After All ride while pissed! This ought to be far more terrifying than any of the huge roller-coasters on offer. We take on a few oriental lovelies who are only too happy to repeat the phrase “You’re a very cultured man, Mr. Bond” for our entertainment as we fly on through the night.
Day 3 heralds our arrival in the USA. We’re all off to Las Vegas where we’ll be wearing tuxedos with slackened ties as we spend the day gambling at the fabulous Bellagio hotel. As Brits abroad with more money than sense, we will be hiring a limo; not to travel in style, but to drive into a swimming pool.
The surviving cast of Ocean’s Eleven are there, and impressed by our antics, Clooney invites us aboard his luxury yacht, which is hitched to a Prius parked out back. The Rolling Stones are playing a private gig, and the last thing we recall is telling Keith Richards we could kick his arse on Guitar Hero.
Day 4 and having woken up with 17 California highway traffic cones, we assume we blacked out at some point and mystically found our way here. The comatose stripper in the corner is dressed as a police officer, so we use her handcuffs to secure the groom to the gates of the Playboy mansion, where we have armed absolutely everyone with water pistols full of champagne.
It all gets a bit hazy around here, so what did we miss out? Fancy planning your ultimate stag-do and letting us know what happens?
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