The Manliest Wedding Of All Time
The Oxford English Dictionary defines ‘Weddings’ as “big, girlie affairs with lots of flowers and sugary wuvvy-duvvy stuff.”* Since Staggered is a magazine for blokes, we thought we should put on our thinking hats and create the ultimate in weddings for men. We’re proud to present for your enjoyment and education THE MANLIEST WEDDING OF ALL TIME.
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Modern man is always vying for alpha status with his inner Neanderthal, so while some of the suggestions here are aimed at the slick, wine-drinking 21st century metrosexual you present to the single ladies at the bar, just as many are designed to appeal to the arse-scratching Flintstone you reveal in the weeks after the papers are signed. Let’s get started with transport:
How about rocking up to the altar in a pristine, pure white TANK courtesy of the chaps at Tank Limo? Assuming you can avoid the temptation to invade France and crush the Range Rover thoughtlessly parked in your way, you’ll be able to fulfill your boyhood and, let’s face it, manhood fantasies for somewhere in the region of £1400 to £6000, minus the cost of getting the tank transported to you. Sadly no company has yet seen the merit of taking this to the Nth degree and hiring out the deck of a decommissioned aircraft carrier for the big day, but this is surely only a matter of time.
Next up, who to officiate the ceremony?
That’s right – Ray Winstone. The Daddy of all the manly men gets the prime spot in the man wedding, running the ceremony with the power vested in him by Thor. He will read vows from his own bible, scrawled in grizzly bear blood on pages bound in Rhino hide: “Are you gonna be a good girl or what sweetheart? Course you are. Are you gonna be the breadwinner mate? BOSH.” As an added bonus Winstone will manually disembowel any joker who tries to be funny during the, “any person here present know any reason…” bit.
Now then, the bouquet:
Standing in the midst of this ceremony is going to be thirsty work, so the man’s wedding would dispense with the pretty-but-useless flower bouquet. In its absence the bride will carry a frosty lager (or two if she fancies one as well. If she can carry three pints you want to take a good long look at how big her hands are before saying “I do”).
The best thing about this is imagine the hilarity of when the bride throws the bouquet towards the single ladies – that’s basically a wet t-shirt party right there. Naturally, you’ll want a fitting piece of music to accompany her walk down the aisle and it can only be one tune really.
Ceremony complete, it’s time to make your grand exit.
The girlie thing to do would be to have your guests throw confetti hearts and flowers over the couple and not rice, which can harm the pretty birdies. Modern man would prefer a sound drenching in champagne like a grand prix winner, but on reflection, showering the couple with gravel will really sort the men from the girls. This show of manliness can be punctuated by crushing the tin cans hanging from the bumper of the tank against your forehead. Grrrrr.
Next it’s off to the reception where the men will engage in the logical successor to speeches, fine dining and an evening disco: the mixed martial arts cage fight.
For the groom it’s now time to scoop your bride over your shoulder and lumber off into the sunset. ‘Honeymoon’ is a poncy word for what follows, so we’ll just call it, ‘The Mating Holiday.’ To prove your manliness you’re going to want to head for Siberia, where you will combat the arctic conditions by wrapping yourself and your mate in animal skins and taking daily sojourns to a bathhouse where you will re-enact the classic scene from Schwarzenegger movie Red Heat by clutching a red-hot lump of coal during a naked fist-fight in the snow with a Russian bear.
This man wedding is beginning to border on the homo-erotic. This might be the place to leave it…
*actual definition may vary
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