The Man Panel Assess Five Weird Wedding Transports

It’s often considered important to make a big entrance at your wedding, and whilst most people keep it classy and understated when it comes to wheels, there’s all sort of bombastic motoring options to turn up outside the church in. For today’s man panel we’ve assigned a groom-in-waiting and his two best men to assess a variety of alternative transport options.

Mark Hamish, 32, is an IT consultant, marrying his wife, Becky, this September. The two men with the enviable task of sharing Best Men duties are Nigel Planning (which we’re sure he’ll be doing plenty of – *guffaw*!) and Louis Banbury. Both have known Mark since their teens, when they fondly recall enjoying driving lessons in Mark’s Dad’s old Nissan Sunny. And by fondly, we mean with frustration that has yet to leave them to this day.

WAR! What is it good for?! Themed weddings.

Massive Tank From Tanklimo.com

Mark: I would happily arrive in this. Yes, that’s almost decided, I might put in an enquiry, actually.

Louis: The big question is, what would Becs think.

Mark: I’m sort of transfixed, I don’t care. I’d sort of be a bit scared, I’d you know, do something awful.

Nigel: What, like go to war on the big day?

Mark: No, I meant like plow into the wall of the church, or crush the vicar.

Louis: I don’t think you’d be able to get away with this to be honest.

Nigel: How about if you bring along the tank but you’ve painted it in the colour scheme of the entire ceremony and reception. Would that be a problem?

Mark: Good idea, she wouldn’t even notice there’s a huge tank there in that case.

The Foreign Delicacy – Tuk Tuk from Thai The Knot

It doesn't look like much, but wait until it transforms.

Nigel: I went one one of these little things in India. It was terrifying, but they’re nifty for manoeuvring, can’t imagine it’ll be a problem in the middle of the countryside in Kent in September, mind.

Louis: Why’s it called a Tuk Tuk?

Nigel: That’s the noise is makes when it gets going.

Louis: That’s proper romantic. Imagine hearing that pull up outside the church.

Mark: I’ll probably give it a miss unless we move the wedding to the East. Also, it looks like a golf cart and I’m not going to go to the bother of buying or nicking one of them.

Nigel: Although fair play to this one, it’s driving itself and those guys are having a whale of a time.

Keeping your fists and stomach pumping all night long.

Creepy Vehicle – Ambulance From The Big Red Limo Co.

Nigel: So this is a sort of pimped out Ambulance then? I guess you could get to the wedding quick if there’s lots of traffic on the road.

Louis: How did he get the ambulance?

Mark: I supoose it’s just an old banger ambulance he’s kitted out. Maybe Xzibit did it?

Louis: Christ, people have probably died in the back of that.

Laughter. [Weird cackling laughter that goes on for ages. Scared Ed.]

Nigel : Yeah, and now it looks like the set of a 70s porno. It’s really respectable, that.

Mark : Perhaps it’s always looked like that?

Nigel: They used to do stomach pumps on that velvet sofa.

Louis: What’s the verdict, Mark?

Mark: Yeah, umm, I’m probably going to give this a miss. I could have done with an emergency disco ambulance thing when we went out in Manchester the other week, mind.

Haha, brassieres.

For Taking Time – The Milk Float From A Dairy Near You.

Nigel: This doesn’t really say much about how keen the groom is to get there, he could take all day, just take his time.

Mark: Stop off for a pint.

Louis: He’s already got lots of pints.

Groans.

Mark: That’s it, it’s definitely a no if that’s the sort of quality of joke you’ll be making all day. To impress the bridesmaids.

Louis: They only do 20-25 max, surely?

Nigel:  15, actually.

Mark: How do you know that?

Nigel: My uncle used to be a milkman. He told me they once got one to go as fast as eighty.

Louis: That’s amazing. You’re amazing. Well done.

This looks even quirkier when they put on their helmets.

‘Cool’ Dudes – The Harley Davidson

Nigel: This is what my dad kept renting when mum left him.

Laughter.

Mark: I don’t know what I’d suffer more for, turning up on this thing, or taking her back on it. It’s just not going to happen. I’d need a sort of sidecar for her to ride along in.

Louis: Like that old Two Fat Ladies programme?

Mark: That’s exactly why this wouldn’t be possible. Because somebody would almost definitely say that.

Nigel: Probably Louis.

Mark: Plus there’s the very real possibility of her dress getting caught in the wheels and dragging her to a gruesome death on the tarmac outside the church.

Nigel: Imagine throwing confetti over that.

Thanks to Nigel, Mark and Louis for sharing their thoughts and good luck for the wedding!

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