Ten Ways To Mentally Scar Children With Your Wedding
There’s something endlessly entertaining about embarrassing children, the way their cute little faces flush with shame as they rush to tell their friends that you’re nothing to do with them. Bless them and their cotton socks!
Weddings offer a public, well-attended, well-documented and memorable opportunity for doing some real psychological damage on ankle-biters. Thus we’d like to present the cumbersomely-entitled Staggered’s Ten Ways To Mentally Scar Children With Your Wedding.
1. Dance Like A Dad
For any son, the day he discovers he is cooler than his dad is one fraught with conflicting emotions. Witnessing dad dance is a sure-fire way to make even a toddler aware that his hero should probably be Fireman Sam, because daddy has some kind of coordination and/or inner-ear issues. Sorry chaps, even if your moves weren’t horribly outdated (they are) once a man sows his oats, he mystically loses his inhibitions, and rhythm.
(warning: even in poor lighting this dad’s dancing is eye-scouringly bad)
2. Make them the Lord of the Rings
Giving the task and title of “ring-bearer” to a young boy is cruel enough in and of itself, but the added stigma of dressing him as Little Lord Fauntleroy in an environment full of photographers is just heartless and should therefore be encouraged.
3. Be Nosey
Covertly keeping the camcorder on the kids is a sure way to catch them doing something that will come back to haunt them, especially if they’re bored, tired, or, um, hungry…
4. Marry Them Off
A great way to traumatise your young son at a wedding is to announce loudly to the congregation that he, and the sweet girl with whom he’s been playing hide and seek, will get married when they grow up. This will not only be humiliating on the day, but could also destroy his confidence with approaching women, spelling disaster for his entire dating future.
5. Theme Your Wedding
We know what you’re thinking, kids love playing dress up! What better venue than your Star Trek themed wedding? But your kids don’t like Star Trek. You like Star Trek. Your daughter wants to dress up as a Disney princess, not the Borg queen.
6. Make With The Jazz Hands
There’s no business like show-business, and with Glee being in vogue at the moment, pushy parents have an excuse to embarrass their kids by “encouraging their showmanship”, i.e. forcing them to perform so their parents’ dreams can be realised vicariously through them. Then again, they might grow up to be the next Daniel Powter. Which would be great, obviously.
7. You Bastard!
The Japanese know how to do a shotgun weddings. So many marriages take place in Japan as a result of pregnancy that wedding planners offer special packages for women with…special packages, at so-called ‘Oops’ weddings. Better still is the ‘Double Happy’ wedding, in which illegitimate births are celebrated alongside the marriage, with special attention given to children born out of wedlock at the ceremony. Good times.
8. Name and shame
The forward-thinking among you might want to consider that you needn’t drag your child along to weddings in order to embarrass them at one. Instead, why not plant the seed at their birth by giving them a ridiculous middle name, like Randy or Gaylord, then sitting back and waiting for the day of their own wedding. We all know how much Richard Gere likes hamsters, and so we’re all feverishly anticipating his inevitable wedding to hamster-faced songstress Dido, during which these immortal words will be uttered:
“I, Richard Tiffany Gere, take thee, Dido Florian Cloud de Bounevialle O’Malley Armstrong…”
9. Get Them Involved In The Speeches, After All, Kids Say The Most Litigious Things
10. Be Jordan
It was just the way I imagined it.
Katie Price is no stranger to publicly humiliating her litters of sprogs by whoring out every aspect of her private life to the cameras, which naturally includes selling images of her sequential weddings to the likes of OK magazine.
Her latest publicity stunt, a second ceremony to mark her wedding to punchy potato-head Alex Reid descended into a bout of fisticuffs between fans and paps.
If her progeny aren’t scarred for life, there’s hope for everyone.
Altogether now…won’t somebody think of the children?
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