Surviving The Stag Do: Chained To The Railings
It’s the stag night prank that sends shivers down the spine of every groom-to-be: being stripped naked and tied – or worse, chained and handcuffed – to railings in public. Sure it’s a cliché, but you can be certain at least one of your party will be toying with the idea. So what do you need to know if you find yourself with your bits blowing in the wind?
THE POLICE PERSPECTIVE
We consulted a police officer from the UK’s stag night capital – the North-East – to find out what could happen to you if you’re found with your dangly bits hanging out.
“If you’ve got genitals on show you’re indecently exposing yourself, and you could be outraging public decency. There’s a possibility of jail time for that,” says the PC. “If your mates were caught doing it, we could quite easily lock them up for all kinds of offences. It’s one of those situations where it depends which police officer finds you and what kind of mood they’re in.”
“The most likely thing to happen if we found someone chained to a railing nude is we would first laugh heartily then we’d free him, take him to the police station and give him a paper suit to cover his modesty so he could get himself home. Obviously, if it’s clear he had no choice in the matter he would probably just get help, not charges. If the victim has been out all night you’d probably need the ambulance out to look at him for exposure, as he’d be absolutely freezing. So theoretically, you might have police, medics and fire brigade involved – all for a prank.”
If your stag do is abroad, you could be in even deeper doo-doo. Different countries have different views on public nudity and most are unlikely to have much sympathy for a blitzed Brit.
So, how can you avoid a chilly walk of shame in a paper suit? Follow our four-point plan and you should be fine.
CUT AND RUN
It’s the end of the night. You’re being led toward the town square / seafront / ferry port / the centre of a roundabout on the A22. Alarm bells are ringing. So, for goodness’ sake, cut your losses and run. If you can spot the signs, act on them – and quickly. If you’re really worried then a quick getaway in a pre-booked cab could even be in order.
EMPLOY A MOLE
Tell a trusted member of the stag party that under no circumstances do you want to end the night with your little fella swinging in the wind. A sympathetic voice among the mob could be an invaluable resource. In the event that the prank goes ahead anyway, have a mole on the inside – an accomplice who’ll return to the scene in 30 minutes and free you.
TAKE INSURANCE
Before you set off for the night, write the number of a local emergency locksmith on your arm in indelible marker. Your mates will probably have taken your mobile with them, but there’s a chance you could ask a kindly passer-by to dial the number and hand you theirs (it’s not like you can run off it).
GET GREASY
Another extreme measure, but if you’re sure that the worst is going to happen to you, consider applying a thin veneer of Vaseline all over the body. It’ll help to keep you warm and maybe even assist in giving your stags the slip – literally. Then again, the thought of finding a pre-Vaselined naked man tied to railings might be seen as an invitation not to pass up for some, so best forget this one.
TAKE IT IN GOOD HUMOUR
If it happens to you, it’s going to be deeply, deeply embarrassing, especially because there’s bound to be some, erm, shrinkage, from the cold. But just remember that every passer-by or policeman knows exactly what has happened and probably sympathises deeply. And with all that time on your own, you’ll have plenty of opportunity to think of how you’re going to get your revenge…
Related Stuff:
- Surviving The Stag-Do: Drinking Tactics
- Five stag pranks you shouldn’t try at home
- Surviving The Stag-Do: Damage Limitation
- Stag-Do Survival – Surviving The Stripper
- Surviving The Stag-Do – Booze Basics
