Putting The Cock Back In Cocktail

After destroying the myth that the canapé can’t be a manly snack, Staggered decided to turn its attention to that other great bastion of girly consumption: the cocktail. We sent roving reporter Craig Morris out to a Wetherspoons with an unlimited budget to put the cock back in cocktails and create the manliest man drinks he could. Here’s his report.

#1 The Manhattan Project

Named for the WWII atomic bomb experiments, because there’s nothing more manly than a massive explosion.

Ingredients

• Whiskey
• Dry Vermouth
• Bitter
• Cherry Sourz
• Cola

Method

This mocktail takes the basic formula for the classic Manhattan, then adds more Man. The original recipe calls for sweet vermouth, which might as well be called “kitten vermouth”, so obviously we replaced it with dry. We substitute bitters for good old bitter, and a cherry garnish for an alcoholic cherry cola. The mixture is shaken up, causing an alcoholic mushroom cloud that needs to be consumed before it spills.

Conclusion

Not going to set the world alight, but not bad. Who was it that said man cannot create, only destroy? I think it was Scully’s sister on The X Files. I feel nice and warm inside!

#2 Speakers’ Traffic lights

A super-potent variation on the popular layered cocktail, which essentially adds more layers. Let’s run some red lights!

Ingredients

To be layered in order

• Grenadine
• Blue Curucao
• Sambuca
• Amarula Cream*
• Absynthe (70% proof)

Method

The measures are poured carefully in turn over the back of a spoon, allowing maintenance of the separation of  layers. Somehow this process only seems more magical and worthy of discussion as the evening draws on. Also, I am only staring at my shoes because I can’t feel my feet, I am not drunk.

Conclusion

I’ve tried several different traffic lights cocktails and can safely say this was the strongest. *The Amarula layer ensures the drink remains smooth as it goes down. It is also rumoured to be able to inebriate an elephant.

#3 The Zonda Zonk

An Italian flag coloured cocktail, named for the Italian supercar, passed from master to apprentice in Chinese whispers, resulting in each generation retaining some unique variation on its predecessor. The direct ancestor of this drink is known as The Flaming Lamborghini.

Ingredients

To be layered in order

• Grenadine
• White Sambuca
• Absynthe (70% proof)

To be served as separate shots

Havanah Club Gold Rum

Cointreau/Tripple Sec

Method

Again, the ingredients are to be layered over the back of a spoon, with the shots served at either side and a friend to hand. Two straws are placed in the completed cocktail which is then lit. The stag must down the mixture before the straws melt (seriously) but the pressure mounts as the shots are added to the glass, replacing the drink as it is consumed.

Conclusion

I think Thatcher had the right idea, get those moochers off the Nat King Cole dole and put them in an army, that’ll learn ‘em. Where did I put my keys? Don’t touch -Don’t touch me! I’m fine, I’m fine.

With special thanks to the staff of Wetherspoons and Speakers’ Corner, Colwyn Bay. I love you guys.

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