One Ring To Rule Them Both
‘The tradition of giving a diamond engagement ring as a promise of marriage began in 1477 when Archduke Maximillian of Austria gave Mary of Burgundy a gold ring set with a diamond as a token of love. This royal tradition has lived on over the centuries and the giving of a diamond ring has become as much of a milestone as the engagement itself. Today, almost 70% of brides receive a diamond engagement ring.’
That’s the official story anyway. For all I know some guy called Archie Duke gave the Queen of Diamonds a burgundy ostrich as a wedding gift, and over the years the custom has been perverted into the ring giving ritual we now know today.
I’ve seen that one of the hottest topics on wedding forums, and in the magazines, is the subject of engagement rings (even a couple of our very own Staggered bloggers have already tackled it). I suppose it is a pretty fundamental part of the engagement, what with its symbolism of the whole event. I’ve never bought a ring, or any jewellery at all for that matter, but I was willing to change that just this once (well, and again for the marriage.) I find the idea of an engagement ring slightly odd and archaic. One ring to bind us together? Ok Frodo, whatever. But, I wasn’t about to buck traditions so I played the game.
This is my take on how to choose the perfect engagement ring, after long and arduous research into the topic. After all, the rock on her hand is the first thing her cooing, shrieking cronies in gender are going to grab at as soon as the event is announced. I’ve already lost count of the amount of harridans who have snatched at her hand, eager to see the glistening gold and shimming stones perched on it. I’ve also lost count of the amount of disappointed looks that I’ve received when they see that there is no such thing. But I’ll get on to that in a bit.
It seems a fact that the ring seems to be a lot more important than the actual act, in the words of the famous American philosopher, Beyonce Knowles, ‘if you liked it than you should have put a ring on it.’ Not ‘if you liked it you should have made a heartfelt declaration of your eternal love for me, and a ring would nicely symbolise this for the world to see.’ Like it or not, the ring is so much more than just some hoop of metal; it’s how the world (or at least the testically challenged half of it) will see your marriage. I didn’t get it quite right. While we are on the subject of great American thinkers, another gem of advice, from the marriage expert Pamela Anderson, ‘don’t get engaged on holiday.’ I didn’t get that right either.
There is so much on the internet telling men how to choose a ring [if you want the official Staggered line on it then have a look here - Ed], but it basically boils down to four questions.
- ‘How much should I spend?’
- ‘What style should I choose?’
- ‘What size does she wear?’
- ‘How do I choose a diamond?’
How much should I spend is what seems to be the most important, but the one that I think is least relevant. The accepted average given by most ‘experts’ is two months’ salary. Two months! For most people that is a lot to drop on something that she is probably going to subsequently drop down the plughole. Fortunately, I was practically unemployed, so two months’ salary wasn’t such a great amount. I had been working sporadically, but it had been all cash in hand, so I fudged the figures a little. If it was cash in hand, it wasn’t taxable, so it wasn’t accountable money, therefore any spend over zero would be me going above and beyond the accepted average. That makes my 60 rand (£5ish) spend seems quite reasonable. If she loves you, she won’t care what you spend. If she is a money grabbing harlot, she probably will. In which case I would reconsider your options for your future. And possibly consider a pre-nup.
What style should I chose is a more important question. She is going to be lumbered with it for some time (hopefully) so you want something that suits her and her sense of style. If you don’t know what her sense of style is, maybe you should wait a little longer before popping the biggie. I was restricted by the choices available in my price bracket, and by the fact that Han was always with me, any solo excursion would be viewed with extreme suspicion. So I popped out to get some milk and went to the local antiques market while I was on my errand. I wanted silver, and it had to be in a size normally reserved for dolls, so I was then further restricted. She’s not a blingy kind of girl, so I wanted something unassuming and not at all ostentatious. I found a very simple silver band, something like I would imagine Romeo would give to Juliet. It had some very faint intertwined engraving on, and was slightly ovalised in the centre, but was otherwise plain. The dealer told me ‘probably German bru, or American, maybe 18th or 19th century.’ If that’s the depth of knowledge required to be an antiques expert, I think I might have a new career path. Take two random geographical areas, a couple of hundred year leeway, and you’re off. Five minutes, and five quid later, I was tootling back with the token of my love.
What size does she wear is a question that many men (myself included) struggle to answer [Have a look at the getting engaged section from this week and we've got a full guide to help you work out the size she takes - Ed]. A relationship teaches you so much about your other half. For example I know her shoe size (small,) her bra size (big,) her skirt size (just right,) the size of her itunes collection (54kb good stuff, 500Mb bad stuff)) and the size of her Sean Bean obsession (excessive,) but her ring size has somehow just never come up in conversation.
Theft seemed like the best way to answer the question. If in doubt, twok something. I nicked a ring from her bedside table before fetching my milk, the size marking was worn away but the antiques dealer had a slender metal probe, apparently borrowed from some anally fixated alien race, which he slipped into her ring (snarf) and determined its size. I wanted a ‘K.’ Or so he said anyway. My German/American 18th/19th century ring turned out to be far too big for her little monkey hands anyway. She now wears it on a chain around her neck.
How do I choose a diamond is a question I’m not qualified to answer, as cunningly side-stepped it, by, er, not choosing a diamond. I think your carrots should be as big as possible to ensure longevity in your relationship. This is based on the fact that in the same way eating long foods makes you tall, long carrots in your diamond make for a long lasting union.
So, there is my advice. Buy a cheap ring of dubious provenance, make sure it has no diamonds, and that it doesn’t fit your intended’s hand. It worked for me. I think the trick is to completely ignore the advice that anyone who knows anything about jewellery will tell you, as if they know that much, they are probably in the market to make money from what they are telling you.
Adverts will tell us that diamonds are a girls’ best friend, gold is the colour of love, and nothing says I love you like a big hunk of semi-precious stone. I’m ignoring them, I’m Hannah’s best friend, she doesn’t need diamond surrogates, nothing says I love you like telling them you love them, and the colour of our love is an ivory (or is it eggshell, or magnolia?)
I hope that this guide has been of help.
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