My Best Man Is An Atheist
My Best Man is an atheist and he wants to support me on the day but is nervous about being involved in a church service. What can I do to help him to relax and enjoy the day?
Well, there are atheists and atheists. I’ve got a neighbour who’s an atheist and won’t even enter a church building. I used to have a work colleague who would enter a church but would refuse to sing along with a hymn or recite a prayer. And yet I’ve got other friends who are atheists yet love nothing better than belting out “Jerusalem” with all their might. So to some extent, it depends how he feels about his own atheism, if you see what I mean.
I’m assuming that he’s happy to come into the church with you?
What I’d say firstly is that he needn’t worry about an ‘interrogation’ from the parish priest: there isn’t time for a spiritual conversation with everyone involved in the wedding, even if it were desirable, which it probably isn’t. So the vicar isn’t going to be worried about what he does/does not believe.
To make him feel at ease, though, it would be good if he’s at the rehearsal, becasue then he can see what’s going to happen.
Also, hopefully, he can concentrate on the parts of the service that he finds he can get into. For example, the vows are made “in the presence of God” and that’s important for me and for you, but they are still pretty potent vows whatever you do or don’t believe about God. They are signalling your complete commitment to your wife, and I am sure he can support you in that.
The location may not be where he would choose, but if he’s a good friend, he’ll support you in recognising that it’s what you have chosen.
Robert Stanier
Chaplain, Archbishop Tenison’s School, Oval Youth minister, North Lambeth team and St Anne with All Saints, South Lambeth
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