Man On The ‘Moon: Bounty Hunting
So, we got on an enormous against-the-laws-of-physics Airbus and flew thirteen hours to Singapore. Then, when you get there, you have to wait for six hours for your connecting flight to Borneo.
Dan and Mrs Dan got this every day at home...
Then, the plane to Borneo is also not quite as luxurious as you’ve just experienced on the deluxe Airbus all the way from Heathrow.
Then, the plane to Borneo stops at the entry point to Borneo, to drop people off. Which means you have to get off, go to the airport lounge, wait for about forty-five minutes, then get back on the same plane and fly for another hour to Kota Kinabalu.
Then, you get off the plane and get in a minivan and drive for another hour through rush-hour traffic to your hotel, that’s in the middle of nowhere.
And you can’t work out how long it’s all taken, because you haven’t the foggiest idea what the actual time is.
But, however tedious and mind-numbing any of that sounds or indeed felt, none of it was as pain-stakingly tedious and excruciatingly mind-numbing as a one hundred and ten minute section around six hours into our first flight. The section where Mrs Dan and I watched the Jennifer Aniston comedy vehicle: The Bounty Hunter.
Now, I’m a fan – maybe even a big fan – of ‘Jen’ in general. Despite her playing Rachel from Friends in pretty much every role, it’s such a loveable role that I usually forgive her. But this? No. Not a chance.
We did pick the hotel ourselves, in fairness; the Rasa Ria Resort. And we picked it mainly for our very own bounty-hunting purposes. It has its very own nature reserve attached to the hotel’s grounds, for instance, containing an Orang-Utan orphanage.
Sun, pool, beach. Like Margate.
It’s literally on the beachfront. It has its very own golf course. And spa resort. A gym, a fitness centre and five restaurants. I was up at six one morning (sans Mrs Dan) for some ‘ludicrously early, you crazy loon’ bird-watching in the nature reserve. We saw very few birds, but did see a monitor lizard, some macaques and, after his undesired early morning call by some idiots with cameras, one extremely miffed bear. A nocturnal animal trek was cancelled due to a tropical storm, which I can attest was properly mental from our room on the fifth floor! And we visited the spa for a melt-in-the-bath three-hour couples’ relaxation treatment.
It was even ideally placed for a two-day trip over to the other side of Borneo for some combined Orang-Utan and turtle watching.
In fact, there was so much to do we didn’t spend any time by the pool the whole week we were there.
Prices for food were reasonable; the evening buffet was around 100 Malaysian ringgit for all-you-can-eat (around £18) and a burger and chips was about a tenner. All the food was fantastic, especially the reservation-only speciality Indian restaurant. Breakfast was included and was as bountiful as you could possibly imagine.
The staff were wonderful and, as we were on honeymoon, they upgraded us to ‘Rainforest Room’. When we got there, we were slightly disappointed. Despite their efforts with a complementary fruit basket, wine, an awaiting flower bath and more petals fantastically laid out in the shape of a heart on the queen-size bed, it seemed a standard sort of Holiday Inn kind of a room; though we were on the ground floor so had a personal garden on one side and backed onto the aforementioned nature reserve at the rear. We were a bit let down that they didn’t see fit to upgrade us to their brand-spanking new and exclusive Ocean Wing but it didn’t matter for the first two days: jet lag meant we conked out at the first opportunity and spent the next 27 hours asleep.
Once we’d woken, effectively two days later, we spent some of our wedding presents upgrading to the new area. At a cost of nearly an additional hundred quid a night, we were willing to push the boat out a bit, as this was our once-in-a-lifetime, never-done-before (or after!) honeymoon. Besides, the rooms had a bath on the balcony!
Bath on balcony! A *bath*! On the *balcony*! A bloomin' BATH on the effing BALCONY!
It was the best decision we made on the whole honeymoon; the Rasa Ria Resort in Bornean Malaysia is the single best hotel we have ever stayed in. If we ever go back, we’ll stay there without a second thought. The rooms feel more like apartments with three or four rooms, and the bathroom is fit for a king-in-waiting and his second wife!
There was even a pillow menu! Yes! A pillow menu! I’ll be honest: I didn’t even know they were edible.
It is supremely comfortable and the balcony is massive, fully equipped for the bath menu! Yes! A bath menu! A man will come and run a bath with all the ingredients you want!
And even a menu menu! Yes! You pick the menu you want from the available menu menu! Amazing!
(For legal reason, I have to point out one of the above is not true.)
If the other side of the world wasn’t such a long way away, we’d go every year. In fact, if I had a guarantee that I would never see The Bounty Hunter ever again, I would go tomorrow.
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