Is It The Thought That Counts?
The last wedding I’ll attend as a fiance (unless any of my friends are planning any rather sudden nuptials this winter) is fast approaching and with it the thorny issue of the gift list has raised its head.
Mo' Money, Mo' Apostrophes
Of course, we all expect to get the bride and groom something when we attend a wedding and buying them something is all part of the excitement of attending, but personally I really would rather buy them something (ie an actual present) rather than donate towards their honeymoon, loft extension or, worst of all, their actual wedding. Am I the only person who still likes to turn up to a wedding with a lovingly gift-wrapped box?
Is it just me or is asking for money to be paid into your account just plain rude? I should hasten to add that it is not this wedding that is asking this of us but it does appear to be a growing trend and it’s one that I (and I suspect many others) am really not comfortable with. A gift list at Trailfinders is one thing, it’s quite another to just include your account number and sort code with the invitation, surely?
Having given this much thought for our own wedding, we have decided to have an actual gift list. This way, we will have numerous things in our home which will not only remind us of our wedding but also of the people who bought them for us. My mum still has a (slightly hideous admittedly) ornament which she remembers being given by her mother-in-law for her wedding and lots of people of my parents’ generation have wedding china that is still treated with reverence to this day.
Of course, a honeymoon is essential and if you can’t afford it yourselves it’s a lovely gift to have it paid for by family and friends. But what if those friends can barely afford their own holiday this year? How are they going to feel about paying for your five-star sojourn? I’d wager far worse than they’ll feel about contributing a tenner towards my John Lewis bath towels.
The gift list, I’m discovering, is every bit as personal as the wedding itself. We all have our own views on money and what it should be spent on – and shouldn’t we have some right to choose what our contribution pays for? I would be much happier buying a specific experience for the couple to have on honeymoon (a scuba diving lesson or romantic dinner, for example) than I would be handing over a cheque to Kuoni and I’d much rather put money towards the deposit on the couple’s first home than refund them the cost of my own dinner.
But perhaps I’m looking at this all wrong? Maybe it isn’t for the guests to say what the money is spent on, but for the couple to decide for themselves? Money given as a gift should always be given without conditions, after all, and if the bride and groom want to spend my dosh on the chocolate fountain for their big day maybe that’s ok. I’d still rather turn up with a lovingly giftwrapped box but if an envelope would be better received then who am I to argue?
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I really think its up to the couple and their circumstances. We are asking for money as we live in a one bed flat where we are already paying for a storage unit every month to store the things we just don’t have room for.
We aren’t being as crass as to put the bank details on the invite but we are asking for contributions to the honeymoon as we are paying for the wedding ourselves. As far as people being resentful of paying for someone else’s’ holiday, its no more frivolous than some designer kitchen equipment (or some of the other over priced stuff I have seen in wedding mags).
I have given money at most weddings I have attended (usually in the currency where they are going on their honeymoon) and people have been really pleased and I have had photos, where people have had cocktails or meals with the money I have given them, and that was lovely.
I’m really caught on this one. On the one hand I know that at the weddings I’ve been to where they’ve asked for money I’ve grumbled like hell about it, on the other why is it different to asking for a bunch of crockery.
I think it’s just that feeling of them knowing just how cheap you’re being, which you’re insulated against if you’re giving them a “thing”. The other side is that it brings that old English issue of weddings and money clashing together again.
We don’t have a tradition of gifting money to the bride and groom on their wedding day as they do in so many other cultures, so it seems like the bride and groom are being greedy, which they’re not (necessarily).
I do really like some of the half-way houses that are around to address this issue – http://www.buy-our-honeymoon.com/ being one off the top of my head – and http://www.1bigpresent.co.uk/ being another.
Ultimately, I reserve the right to grumble no matter what I have to give people.
I think the whole notion of a wedding gift list can be a bit outdated these days. It was originally supposed to help set up the couple in their new home, when people got married at 17 and still lived with their parents etc.
These days, couples have usually been living together for several years, so have already got a toaster, bread maker, waffle iron, tartan duvan set etc.
I think Mrs P-to-be would like to have some gifts, but we can’t really ask some people for presents and then ask everyone else for cash can we?
I think it’s perfectly fair to give the amount you would have spent on a gift, and leave the newlyweds to spend it on whatever they like.
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