I Do By Sun Tzu
Well, in the last couple of weeks I’ve discussed how you know when it is time to propose, and buying a ring to do the job, so it seems the next logical step is how to actually launch the major offensive. How do you best manoeuvre into your jump off point and plan for H-hour, D-day? You’ve got your ammunition loaded, your weapons cocked, the target is in your sights, how do you make the kill? Did I tell you I was in the army?
In the time honoured method favoured by junior officers, men who live with their mum and play wargames, and those borderline perverts who dress as SS men and pretend to storm Stalingrad in Surrey (and the ones who fall into all three categories) I have used Sun Tzu as my guide and mentor. Some would doubt the logic of using a three millennia old Chinese celibate as a guide to marriage, but those people can quite simply go stuff themselves. Love is war, and any intelligence is good intelligence.
Here are my tips to make your proposal a happy, rather than indecent one.
Tip One
‘Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt.’
I had known that we would be getting engaged for some time. Hannah didn’t have a clue, so she had no preconceptions or time to prepare. I had all the time in the world to plan my offensive. She was Russia, I was the Nazi hordes. I had got to her metaphorical Moscow before she realised what was happening. The element of surprise is vital. Shock and Awe them, blitzkrieg them into submission, get in, land your blow and be ready to either reap your success, or withdraw quickly if the plan gets fubar. Who dares wins. Don’t give them time to orientate themselves and formulate a plan of attack; lure them, deceive them, then BAM!
Tip Two
‘Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win.’
Most of the work of winning your lady should have already been done by the time you propose. Victory (a resounding ‘yes vote’) must be almost a given. While it may seem like a good idea, the emergency proposal to paper cracks forming in a relationship or to tie down a flighty bird is not what the well-prepared husband to be should be doing. The ground work should be in place, the months or years of wooing/breaking them down should have been successful; the proposal is the knock out killer blow after you have besieged them and pulverised their defences, not an ill worked out last ten pence gamble on life’s roulette wheel. Think Overlord rather than Dieppe.
Tip Three
‘A kingdom that has once been destroyed can never ever come again into being, nor can the dead ever be brought back to life…hence the good leader is full of caution.’
You don’t want to throw in your big guns if the situation is not ready. If you gamble too early, and play your card before it is ready, you may never have another go. You don’t want to startle your fawn before you are in a position to pull the trigger. If you pop the question too early, you lose your moment forever, the next proposal will only ever be a disappointment; you’ve lost the element of surprise, she knows what you want, and she is now in the driving seat – IF she gives you another chance that is.
Tip Four
‘Be subtle and use your spies for your warfare…but…if a secret piece of news is divulged by a spy before the time is ripe, he must be put to death together with whom the secret was told.’
Women have a habit of speaking to each other. In her friends, you have a readymade army of spies at your disposal. Utilise these intelligence sources, cultivate and handle them to do your bidding. Get into bed with them (metaphorically, not literally, this would be the wrong kind of agent handling.) Don’t know if the target is ready for marriage? Task one of your sources to covertly and tactfully elicit this information from her. Don’t know what she wants from her proposal? Ply your sources with wine and give them their intelligence requirements, leave the house free for them to ‘chat’ with your source, bug the dining room and reap the information. All is fair in love and war. Be wary; however much you trust your source, remember, a woman is a snake with tits – there is no guarantee she will not be a double agent working with your other half, the speaking works both ways. Also bear in mind that putting them to death for divulgence may be a little over the top though, and could get you in some trouble. In my experience women don’t generally like men who murder their friends.
Tip Five
‘Pretend inferiority and encourage their arrogance’
Patronising women will claim that the proposal is a terrifying thing for a man. This is just one example of their odious and chauvinistic propaganda, portraying them as the force in control. Remember; on this battlefield, your enemy can only defend, she can only parry your blow or surrender. Encourage the arrogant attitude, exploit their hubris as you prostrate yourself before them, only to give them the killer blow. ‘Will you marry me?’ As the aggressor you have nothing to fear; besiege them in their quaint little cottages, full of throws and superfluous cushions, for they are built on dreams.
Tip Six
‘Do not engage an enemy on a battlefield of his own choosing, choose your field with care’
A proposal that you are forced into is as bad as a battle you are forced into. If your other half has you in a corner with no escape except to propose, she has the control and you have been caught in the lady trap. Remember that proposal is a man’s game, and you will do it when and where you feel fit. If you find yourself cornered on a battlefield of her choosing, your options are limited. Do you take the easy way out, and surrender to her whims, do you emasculate yourself and let her take the lead? Of course you don’t; you take the man’s way out, you fight like a rat in a blender, you take the cup of hemlock, you battle like Leonidas on the plains of Thermopylae, you lash out like a Leeds player in a kebab shop. You choose the battlefield. Somewhere that favours you, a beautiful place, a meaningful place, a place that you both love, a place where you can say what you want without interruption, a place where you won’t be humiliated, a place you can both tell stories of for the rest of your life.
There you go, that is the incontrovertible wisdom of Sun Tzu. On a closing note, if all else fails, remember the words of that other great warrior poet; General Patton;
‘We’re not just going to shoot those sons of bitches, we’re going to rip out their living goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.’
Oh, sorry, wrong quotation there.
Here it is, got the right one now.
‘If a man does his best, what else is there?’
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