How To Live Together In Harmony (Or At Least Without Murder)
At the moment my fiancée and I live apart at our respective parents houses and plan on moving in together once we are married. Everyone keeps telling me that moving in together and getting married is the biggest challenge for a couple. What preparation can we do to make sure that we enjoy this process and that we learn about each others strengths and weaknesses in advance so there are no surprises?
Dear Roomie:
Congratulations on your wedding and moving in with your new bride-to-be! While your friends and family members are right that living together might require a bit of an adjustment period, I happen to think that most people make situations like this far too complex by not preparing themselves with realistic strategies.
The first year of marriage is hard because you’re both learning to live and act as a union and it can be especially difficult for men and women who have never had to share a space. Suddenly there are two opinions on everything from how often the fridge should be cleaned, down to where the broom should be kept. If you go in expecting little bumps here and there, you’ll be less likely to feel trapped every time you have a small argument over who didn’t fill the salt shaker.
Here are a few more tips to make the transition a little nicer:
Keep Arguments in Proportion
In spite of what fairy tales and romantic comedies tell us, marriage is hard work and waltzing over the threshold expecting everything to just “fall into place” because you’re in love is a recipe for disaster. The truth is, as much as you love one another, you’re going to annoy and frustrate each other and even have moments when you want to call it quits. These moments do not mean you’ve made a mistake but simply that you are two people, with two personalities and have not yet found a comfortable synergy as roommates.
Split the Household Chores
Household tasks are one of the top triggers for marital unrest so do your best to attack your “to-do” list before you start attacking one another. Pour a glass of wine or a cup of tea and spend a few hours discussing the household tasks with your new bride. Share your pet peeves and your perception of an ideal home. Be sure to share your strengths and weaknesses (Example: are you someone who keeps the common areas clean but makes a mess in your bedroom?) Discuss daily, weekly and monthly chores and agree on who will do what task and when. While you both might want to take on more than your fair share to please your new mate, be sure to do the split 50/50 so as not to build resentments later.
Make a Financial Plan
Nip fights about money, spending and bill-paying by having an open and honest discussion about spending habits, credit card use and budgeting. Discuss who will pay what bills and when (signing up for online banking might be easiest) and talk about how much you will spend on groceries, household items and luxuries per month.
Make an Effort
If you know something really bothers your partner, make an effort to please them. Sure, you might not understand why dishes in the sink sends her into a rage but you love her so take two seconds and put your glass into the dishwasher. On the flip side, if your partner is making an effort for you, don’t criticize the way she does it (example: being critical of the way she folds your shirts).
Learn The Art of Compromise
Living on your own offers the luxury of full control over your life and your space, but you have decided to share both with someone new so it’s time to hand over of some of the power – without being resentful. Understand that your way isn’t the only way and no one wants to live under a roof where they feel they have to conform or “get into trouble” (which can start to feel like a parent/child arrangement). Besides, does it really matter how she squeezes the toothpaste? If it does, buy your own tube and move on.
Use Humour
Rate each situation on a scale from 1-10 and laugh off anything that rates 5 or below. If it’s not above 7, don’t bother making it a serious discussion. Nitpicking and criticizing every small detail will have your partner living on the defensive and seething under their skin, which won’t do your love life any favors. That said, be respectful of the things that rate high on your partners scale.
Have Your Own Separate Spaces
Yes, you’re a couple but you’re still two individual people who need their own private areas to retreat to. Having separate closets, dressers and rooms where each of you can express yourselves is as important as merging the other aspects of your lives. It also helps maintain a little mystery in the relationship. No woman loves the idea of her man seeing every last feminine product and does she really need to see your foot fungus cream?
Communicate Compassionately
Expecting your partner to read your mind or “just know” what bothers you isn’t going to bring about marital bliss. There are few things that corrode a relationship faster than a build-up of resentment which is exactly what you will get if you hold onto every last annoyance without speaking up.
That said, the way you speak to your partner can have a huge impact on your relationship, so be sure to bring up topics in a fair and loving tone with a desire to resolve a situation instead of simply criticizing one another for not doing something the way you want them to. Try to speak to your partner with the same respect you would speak to a stranger or a colleague at work. You won’t always succeed but making the effort will lay down the foundation of a respectful relationship.
Don’t Personalize Things
Attaching meaning to messy counters and propped-up toilet seats might come easy but it’s important to separate the person and the things they do – and don’t do – around the house. Socks on the floor doesn’t always mean your mate doesn’t respect you.
Best wishes,
Brenda Della Casa
Author, Cinderella Was a Liar
Related Stuff:
- The O Coach: Coming Too Soon (Part 1)
- Blog – The O Coach – Coming Too Soon (Part 2)
- 8 Ways To Handle Marriage And Money
- Blog – I’m Getting Cold Feet
- What’s The Secret To A Long, Happy Marriage?
