How To Handle Unsupportive Friends

Dear Brenda,

How can I handle unsupportive, wedding-allergic friends?

Cheers,

With Friends Like These.

Dear Friends Like These,

First of all, let me congratulate you and your bride-to-be on your impending nuptials! It’s a sad reality that between cake-tastings, warring family members, meddling neighbors, and friends who aren’t as supportive as they should be, couples can easily lose focus of what their wedding day is really all about (which is excitedly starting a new life together, in case you forgot).

While it would be wonderful if everyone you loved and supported would show you the same courtesy at this special time, the truth is many won’t. Weddings – like funerals, big moves, births and promotions – bring up a lot of mixed emotions for those who are invited to watch from the sidelines.

Parents realize their children are growing up, single friends can become more aware of the fact they aren’t with someone, friends can worry their relationship with you will change and so on. Worse, not everyone knows how to deal with these emotions in constructive ways (that’s a nice way of saying that some people are just too busy navel-gazing to realize how their actions are affecting you). So what is a happily engaged man to do? Here are a few tips:

Be Realistic: There are pals you play Modern Warfare with and buddies you ask to be the Godfather of your children; know the difference. If your immature second cousin prides himself on never committing to plans or can’t have 10 minute conversation without injecting an Andrew Dice Clay quote, you might not want to turn to him to have the heart-to-heart about cold feet.

Don’t Dump Your Pals: Planning a wedding is often a lot of work and it can be stressful but you have to find time to be you, the person, and not just the groom. As much as you want your friends to be there for you, you need to be there for them as well, so make sure to pop in for a drink at the pub and have conversations that aren’t about how annoying your mother-in-law is.

Give The Benefit of The Doubt: If your friend has never been through the wedding-planning process, he may very well be intimidated. Try to break down what you need from him and explain things clearly. Expecting him to “just know” what a groomsman is supposed to do is setting you both up for failure.

Tell them to Man-Up: Friendship is more than buying a round and sending a funny text, it’s about being there for your pals, supporting them, making them laugh, and listening to them when they need to talk. If you need a favor, ask for one. If you’re friend gives you a hard time simply because it’s “wedding-related” tell him that it would mean a lot to you and you’ll have his back when he needs you in the future.

Don’t Blame The Fiancée: You might love and respect your lady but telling your friends you “can’t” do things with them or that they need to abide by the rules of a woman who didn’t give birth to them is a surefire way to ignite resentments and have them running in the other direction. Make sure to let your friends know that you’re the one who doesn’t want strippers at your bachelor party or that you’d appreciate one of  them grabbing the tuxes for everyone else. By keeping her out of it, you’ll also avoid post-wedding awkwardness.

Don’t Let Anyone Bring You Down: This is a time to celebrate your relationship, regardless of who is-and isn’t-cheering from the sidelines.

Good Luck!

Brenda

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