Bloke In A Skirt

Pete trying to look manly in a skirt

This post isn’t about my wedding, but I thought it was worth telling you about last weekend when I turned up to a mate’s Big Day in a skirt. Well, a kilt, if you’re that way inclined…

This may be something you’re already toying with the idea of, but I’d never really considered it, as I have about as much Scotch in my blood as Ghandi. The invite said “Gentlemen: Black Tie or Kilt”, so I was preparing to hire a tux, when I wandered onto the “Highland Dress” page of the Moss Bros website, and like a lost Redcoat before the Jacobite guns…

They have a surprisingly large range of tartans and themes for the fashion or heritage-conscious, and will hire the whole outfit for less than £100 – everything from jacket and waistcoat to sporran, shoes and skean dhu. Whatever that is. Seems expensive, you say, but you’d pay at least half that to hire a decent tux, and that’s just a shiny jacket and some poofy southern troosers. The Best Man said to me, “when else are you going to get to wear one to a wedding?”, and the look on D’s face when I said I was considering it just about made up my mind.

Pass the earplugs. And the whisky.

Putting the whole outfit on was a bit baffling for a Sassenach, but after a couple of dress rehearsals I got it right. I chose the Irish National colour with a green jacket and tie etc., as I at least have some Irish blood, and added a couple of personal touches in the shape of Bristol Rugby socks (in a nod to my home town) and Doc Martens (in a nod to punk and the Dropkick Murphys). This raised a few eyebrows and started a few conversations, both good things at a wedding. I also had no-one question why I was wearing a kilt as I’m not from the land of deep-fried heroin, which was nice. I did have nightmares about offending some ancient tradition and being hunted to the border by hairy highlanders hurling haggises.

Being the only guy in “green” tartan (there can be only one) also meant I will appear in more photos than I deserve to, and even got to stand next to the official bagpiper in a kilt group shot. This was an honour I guess, but you would have thought a country with such a rich heritage would have adopted a more tuneful national instrument by now. My ears are still ringing; it was a bit like standing next to a cheery colourful soldier who is skinning a live cat.

There can be only one!

Also, whilst I appreciate that if you get married at a Scottish castle you’re going to want a lot of photos, but after standing around in the windy courtyard for over an hour in a skirt, I was feeling somewhat shrivelled. I will never roll my eyes again when girls out on the town complain about the cold!

Which brings me to the question everyone wants to ask – did I go “traditional” or not? Well, I checked out a few macho Scotch websites on the subject, and the attitude seemed to be “if you wear pants with a kilt, it might as well be a dress”. However, I suspect I was the only one to go full commando – even the groom’s party had some special tartan pants that his Mum had found for them. Losers.

Despite the obvious draft issue and some less obvious but no less challenging toilet ones, the whole thing was a lot of fun, and I would recommend it if you get the chance, just for the laughs if nothing else. Even if you are getting married in Basildon.

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• Ring Tones
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