Blog – When Your Parents Hate Each Other
My parents divorced when I was little and haven’t been able to be civil to each other since. My Mum has remarried and is putting pressure on me to have her new husband as my best man. I want my Dad as my best man. How can I ensure that I keep everyone happy and also that they can behave respectfully to each other on our wedding day?
Dear Daddy’s Boy:
Weddings are supposed to be a beautiful and warm occasion where those who love and support the bride and groom come together to honor the commitment they are making to one another but, too often, guests – especially those related to the B&G – make it about them.
While it would be very nice for you to honor your parents in ways that make you feel comfortable, you have to remember that this is your wedding and you have veto power. Though your parents might not have a civil relationship, the bond you share with them, individually, is deeply meaningful and it is unfair for either of them to challenge it.
Bottom line: this is your day and your father and you should have him standing as the best man if that is what you want and it is your mother’s duty as a mother who loves and respects your wishes, as well as an invited guest, to be understanding – or at least quiet about it.
You ask how you can keep everyone happy. This makes me think you are feeling pressure to keep the peace between them, weight that has likely kept your shoulders heavy for years. You need to accept that your parents are adults who make their own choices just as you make yours.
There is absolutely nothing you can say or do to melt the years of icy bitterness between your parents. They have decided not to be friends or civil and are likely comfortable in their discomfort with one another. Can they change? Absolutely, if they both work on it. Can you change them? Unfortunately not.
I suggest you let the both of them know that you love them and want them there on your special day, but that you don’t intend to play referee or worry about healing old wounds. Let them know you don’t want to hear anything about the other and that you will walk away from any conversation that brings about tension.
If you’re truly concerned about your mother being upset about your father’s role, why not consider doing something special with your stepfather (if, in fact you are close with him). A reading or even asking him to make a toast is a wonderful way to let him know you care about him.
Good Luck!
Brenda Della Casa
Author, Cinderella Was a Liar
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