Blog – The Queen Of Pop On How To Throw A Party

Dear men,

Isn’t it funny how life throws little gems at you? I thought I would sit down for half an hour with my dinner in front of the telly and then write my first blog for Staggered, when by pure chance I flicked onto a program called ‘Don’t Tell the Bride’. (BBC3, Tuesdays, 21:00 and on BBC iPlayer.)

Here’s the concept: A cash poor couple receives twelve grand for their wedding, as long as the groom organises the whole lot. Venue, flowers, entertainment – even the wedding dress, the whole shebang. Absolutely. Classic. Entertainment. If you are a bloke (which you probably are) and you are organising a wedding (ditto), you NEED to watch this program. I was having fist-in-the-mouth moments over some of the decisions he was making for his bride-to-be, while my other half (8 years, feels too long to just call him my boyfriend, which he is, but that’s another story) was perplexed at the amount of faff she was putting into her make up. A great lesson in the other sex.

In this particular episode, the groom tried to book Turin Brakes for the wedding (tres romantic, gold star for that) but then dilly-dallied away and ended up getting a busker and a DJ pretty much the night before. Could have been a total disaster, but in true reality TV fashion it all worked out pretty well.

As a Madonna tribute artist, I’ve shook my crotch around in a leotard at many weddings. As the girlfriend of a 35-year old wedding DJ, I’ve attended many weddings in (slightly) more respectable outfits. This means collectively, we’ve seen what works and what doesn’t, so I thought I’d start this all off with some GOLDEN wedding party tips, with the help from DJ Ben.

ONE: Have the bar in the same room as the dance floor. THE most golden tip of all. Your party will never kick off properly if your crowd is split up into two rooms, with the DJ only reaching half of them.

TWO: Get some good disco lighting. Slightly dim the lights in the whole room and fully on the dance floor when the dancing starts and let the disco lights do their job. You will be surprised at how many times people forget to do this and it really amps up the atmosphere.

THREE: Don’t force your musical tastes onto your guests. You may have a penchant for thrash metal but it’s vital you DJ to the eclectic mix of people you are likely to have at your wedding. Give the DJ a list of songs that are really important to you, but try to stick to no more than 20 in total, of which 5 are ‘must play’ songs and the other 15 ‘try to play’ songs. Motown works well to get everyone going as it transcends the age ranges and doesn’t seem to be perceived as being cheesy. Songs like Nowhere to Run, Respect and Rescue Me are really good.

FOUR: Build in an hour of faff time. Whether it’s the meal taking longer than planned, or the best man waffling on a bit too much, something always eats into the DJ time. If your disco is supposed to start at 8, it will start at 9. It will get going properly at 10 and if it ends at 11, you’ve only got 1 hour of knee-jerking, arm-flailing fun before it all ends abruptly. Which brings me onto the next tip:

FIVE: Pick a venue that can go on past 11. Or even better, until there ain’t no shakin left in them limbs. Unless you are one of those people who wants to leave with the bride before all the guests leave (seriously, what’s that all about?), having a free reign to shake till’ you drop makes good financial sense for a day that averagely costs £21,000.

SIX: If no one is dancing, play Dancing Queen by ABBA. I know, it’s really sad, but it really does work. This should be the only time you revert to such cheap tactics, please don’t EVER play the Birdie song.

SEVEN: Food and dancing don’t mix. If you want your disco to go off have in mind that people don’t dance for at least an hour (sometimes 2) after eating. Build this into your schedule so people can digest their wedding breakfast before you want them to dance. A tribute appearance or acoustic duo works really well at this time. If you serve a buffet, don’t do it as soon as the dancing begins and refrain from announcing it over the PA as this clears the dance floor. Trust me, they will find the buffet.

EIGHT: Check the cost of booze at the venue. When all the free wine has been polished off and your guests are just about to tuck into some well-deserved pints, don’t make them pay £3.50 for a 27.5 cl bottle. That’s more than £7 for a pint and it’s ludicrous. No matter how much wine they’ve had, they’ll work it out and they’ll grumble. Grumbling guests = no fun.

NINE: Don’t hire just a jazz band. It may be slick, it may be cool (in a jazzy way), but it’s really hard to dance to! Have you tried it? Normally you will get 2 couples with a degree in dance showing their moves off all night with everyone else trying for the odd song and looking like pillocks.

TEN: To avoid ending on a controversial nine, here is one more crucial tip: Avoid a venue with a sound limiter.

That’s all for now guys, don’t forget to watch ‘Don’t Tell the Bride’.

Madge X

The Madonna Experience is a one-woman Brighton Madonna Tribute brought to you by Annelies Van de Velde. With songs from all the eras and plenty of costume changes, this Madonna tribute show is the perfect way to add a touch of glamour and fun to your wedding.

UK Mobile Disco specialise in mobile disco hire & dj hire for weddings and is run by DJ Ben Simon. If you’re looking for a sussex mobile disco or one in Hampshire, Surrey, Kent or the surrounding area; UK Mobile Disco is a young, funky and fresh company with a finger on the pulse of popular music of today and yester year.

Annelies and Ben are partners and can be booked together for a full night’s entertainment. They are also available as an acoustic duo with an eclectic mix of old and new cover songs, perfect for receptions or pre-party entertainment.

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