Blog – I’m Getting Cold Feet
Brenda, I think I am getting cold feet. I know it’s probably just panic and the reality that marriage is really for life, but what can I do to reassure myself that I am marrying the right person for me?
Dear Chilly:
When it comes to getting hitched most men and women have it all wrong. Many women expect their lives to be transformed into some sort of blissful state where everything they never liked about their lives – and themselves – will receive a gorgeous whitewash, whereas too many men think they’re headed to some sort of emotional prison.
The truth is, marriage is the legal merging of you and someone you love, respect and are completely compatible with right now in your life. Will it last forever? We hope so. Might it only last 20 years? That’s a possibility as well. The point is that none of us know where life will take us and we can only make the decisions we feel are best for us in the here and now.
The idea of the “bigger, better deal” is as haunting for men as “the one” is for women. Full disclosure: There is no “one” person for any of us. There are numerous people we will “click” with and find attractive but unless you are willing to for go all others for the one you have found and adore, you shouldn’t marry them as you would be doing them – and yourself - a great disservice.
Might you meet a prettier, smarter, funnier and sexier woman years down the line? Sure. In fact, it’s likely that your relationship might grow a little moss and become a bit dull and someone else will have the advantage of being “new” and “mysterious”, but 10 years with them would leave them on the back-burner and someone else with the advantage.
Might your wife meet a hunky, smart, sophisticated man who makes her heart beat a little faster? Yup. Does that mean she should look over at you and decide her commitment to you was a mistake? Not if she loves you, it doesn’t. See my point?
You are asking how to reassure yourself that you are marrying the right person, she’s likely asking herself the same thing. It’s normal. You wouldn’t make a big purchase on impulse so why would you question your decision to marry someone you haven’t thoroughly evaluated? Just accept it for what it is…an evaluation and don’t allow it to make you question what you already know. You asked this woman to marry you for a reason.
When in doubt, I suggest you ask yourself the following questions:
Does this woman love, respect, encourage and cherish me?
Do we share the same values?
Can I communicate with her?
Do I trust her?
Can I be faithful to her?
Does she understand me and accept me?
Am I attracted to her on many levels?
How will I feel if I let her go and someone else proposes to her?
Another thing I want to point out to you is that your “freedom” is not lost in a healthy and respectful marriage. You and your wife-to-be have been committed to one another for the duration of your relationship and while you’re both making mutual agreements (no cheating, lying, betrayals, etc) you’re still going to be you after you’ve said “I do.” Yes, there will be compromises, and yes, there will be days when you want to throw in the towel but, in the end, your marriage will be what the two of you make it and last as long as you two want for it to last.
Forever is really just one day at a time.
Good Luck!
Brenda Della Casa
Author, Cinderella Was a Liar
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