Aphrodisiacs: The Food Of Loving

Happy oyster season!

An oyster farmer. Horny yet?

Oyster season begins today and in those slippery little beauties’ honour Staggered felt it was only right to explore the world of aphrodisiacs, that select group of foodstuffs that puts a wolf in your whistle and a rocket in your pocket.

Whether aphrodisiacs actually work is the subject of some debate: what can be said is that some foods contain chemicals that stimulate blood flow or give energy and do have a chemical effect on the body.

Others look a bit sexy and work on the mind, while some have a placebo effect thanks to a long-standing reputation for being an aphrodisiac. Let’s face it, if you’re feeding your oysters to your paramour while Kenny G tootles on in the background, it’s debatable whether it’s the food or the mood that’s doing the work.

Wonky science aside, here are a dozen ingredients to seek out if you want to inject some sex into your life via your daily chow. And we should probably point out (disclaimer alert) that we haven’t tested these (especially the tiger penis) and take no responsibility for any everlasting erections [were those from Willy Wonka's discontinued sweets - Ed] or kidney failure [less funny - Ed] that results from their use.

Sombrero airbrushed out

Spanish Fly

Aka ground blister beetle, a mildly poisonous substance that causes a burning and swelling sensation in the nether regions when expelled in urine, causing a degree of priapism that’s often misconstrued as sexual stimulation. Not strictly an aphrodisiac, then, but it will put a bit of tingle in your tinkle. And also painful urination, bloody discharge, fever and possibly permanent damage to the kidneys and genitals.

Best for: sex pests

Booze

Reason for so many one-night stands, tongue-loosener behind a billion British hook-ups, alcohol’s role as the great inhibition killer/confidence booster earns it a place on our aphrodisiac list. But boys beware the dreaded brewers’ droop. If we may quote Shakespeare on the subject, “It provokes the desire but it takes away the performance.”

Best for: virgins

Oysters

An oyster. Ahem.

Why are they an aphrodisiac? LOOK AT THEM. Casanova reputedly ate 50 for breakfast. There are some chemical actors at work too: oysters are high in zinc, which aids sperm production, and raw specimens are high in D-aspartic acid and N-methyl-D-aspartate, which increased testosterone levels in one study on male rats. But forget all that LOOK AT THEM!

Best for: romantics (and rats)

Yohimbe, Tribulus and Maca

These three herbs are being investigated for their aphrodisiac properties in the search for a herbal equivalent of Viagra. Go easy on the yohimbe though – too much can kill you.

Best for: scientists

Tiger penis

Some aphrodisiacs gain their reputation from the perceived sexual potency of their source, and few in that category can compare to the tiger penis. How to eat it? Our suggestion would be in a hot dog bun or, for comic effect, a bowl of Frosties. But actually, don’t, it’s illegal. See also: deer penis, turtle penis, Jamaican cow cod (bull penis) soup. Seriously, enough with the penis-eating already.

Best for: big game hunters

Bananas

It’s long and bendy *raises eyebrows*, it’s yellow, creamy and moist and it contains the enzyme bromelain *replaces eyebrows*, which is thought to enhance male sexual performance *raises eyebrows*. No wonder monkeys are always so randy. *replaces eyebrows*

Best for: apes

Chocolate

Contains a sedative, which both relaxes and lowers inhibitions, and a stimulant, which increases activity and the desire for physical contact. Plus if you eat it in the bath, like the Flake ads, you’re already in the nuddy and the job’s half done.

Best for: laydees

Delicious drizzled with hot butter.

Asparagus

Served to 19th century French brides due to its reputed aphrodisiacal powers, asparagus is the healthy choice that’s vegan-friendly, and you can even buy British. With its long stem and bulbous purple crown, it also ticks the box of looking a bit like a knob, but do be warned that it does have a reputation for making gentlemen’s relish smell a bit. Bon appetit.

Best for: vegans

Figs

For the ancient Greeks, a new fig crop was a time for ritual copulation and those guys knew how to throw an orgy. Erotically fleshy and thought to be a sexual stimulant, the fig was also Cleopatra’s favourite fruit, and she was a proper goer.

Best for: history buffs

Puffer fish (fugu)

How about I inflate something to three times its natural size and put it in your hand?

Considered an aphrodisiac in Japan thanks to the adrenaline rush of eating a foodstuff that, if not properly prepared, could kill you in an instant. The funny-looking fish’s poisonous gland contains tetrodotoxin, which is 1000 times deadlier than cyanide. Fugu testicles are particularly prized for their aphrodisiac qualities but you’ll have a hard time getting your nashers around some – understandably, only a handful of restaurants in Britain serve the dish.

Best for: thrill seekers

Ginkgo Biloba

Commonly found in powder or pill form, this plant extract is Chinese medicine’s answer to Viagra. It increases blood flow to the genital area and increases libido.

Best for: droopy guys

Horny goat weed

So named for its effect on goats chomping through it in their daily graze, epimedium grandiflorum is thought to have the same effects on humans too, and is sold in pills and capsules to increase libido in men and women and erectile function in men.

Best for: goats

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