Angry Single Woman: How To Have A Pre-Wedding Fling

If you’re reading this then there is a chance you’re a serial shagger. If you are then a) I feel very sorry for your bride b) get yourself tested on a regular basis and c) try, at least try to resist for the first year of your marriage, you never know you might like it.

It might sound obvious but if you have to constantly be balls-deep in alternative muff (as in different to your wife to be’s, not say, a goat’s) then may I suggest you think very seriously about getting married. You may be dragged along by the idea that she is good for you in the long run, but when she finds out about your extra-curricular activities, and she will, be prepared. You might want to start saving now, for that shack, in Abu Dhabi and some testicular implants.

Nine times out of ten the need to bosh someone else before the vows are said is purely fed by the fact that you know that saying I Do means you will only ever get to shag your bride-to-be, for the rest of your life, if you’re lucky. If this fact doesn’t have you running for the nearest hole, well done. As you were. But if you are thinking of dipping your toe (and when I say toe I mean penis) before you get hitched there are a few things you should be aware of first.

• If you’re tempted by a bit of skirt in the office, don’t go there. Women are good at sussing out the weaker male, especially when there’s a wedding in the air. You’ve seen the film “Fatal Attraction”? Go there, and there’s a chance you’ll return from honeymoon with your mother-in-law’s head boiling in your new Le Creuset casserole dish, and possibly a bun in the oven if you picked one of the special ones.

• The ex. We’ve all thought “what if?” This may be the time to have that final fuck to see if it’s as good as it was ten years ago, but frankly, you spilt for a reason, and you proposed for another. Remember that as you attempt to stoke the fire.

• If you do decide to have a stab at the ex, then may I suggest that whilst you’re emailing your final fling to congratulate her on that amazing blow job, in the Travel Lodge, last Tuesday, don’t accidentally send it to your intended. It could make things a tad uncomfortable on the day, and make for a very miserable existence. If you’re still alive.

Finally, just as a thought. You’ve spent most of your life doing it. You may have even done it at work. On a train. At your nan’s maybe? But you do it for a reason. To release yourself. I’m talking about wanking by the way and it works. It’s the ultimate anti-slag device. You’re getting married. You asked her. She agreed. It’s all booked. Deal with it. Have a wank.

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