Angry Single Woman: My Favourite Wedding Moments
I am a single woman, therefore you could argue I am not necessarily well-equipped to comment on a website for men about weddings. However, as a guest at god-knows how many weddings, I thought I’d round-up some of my favourite wedding memories to share with you all.
DEATH AT THE ALTAR
Possibly not a good idea to have an affair on the lead up to your big day. Karma has a funny way of showing its disapproval. Take Bride A and Groom B. Beautiful church, beautiful day and beautiful death. They saved for years for the big day, only to have it ruined by her godfather having a heart attack, as she was walking into the church, and he collapsed and died in the aisle.
Now, normal folk would think, mmm how awful. What to do? Do we cancel, out of respect? Or do we do what they did and practically walk over the corpse to get on with it? Personally, I would have been deep in thought and wondering if shagging around several hours before the ceremony, may have had something to do with KILLING YOUR GODFATHER, but then, not everyone is as calm and Buddha-like as myself.
And to be clear this has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that the bloke she was having an affair with was the man I had been in love with for several years. No. Absolutely nothing to do with it.
INCEST IS BEST
When Pervert Uncle Brian got married for the second time, all us kids were allowed to go to this one. A tip from his first marriage would be that when the groom doesn’t want any of his family there, it’s probably a reflection of the fact he’s not all that keen on being there himself.
Anyway. I have a huge family. They live far and wide. And whilst at the reception, a man approached me, and started properly chatting me up, he gave me his room number and suggested I meet him there for a drink. How delightful. “And what shall we drink when we’re there, how about a glass of milk?” I asked. “Like you used to give me and Nicola (sister) when you babysat us… Uncle David”?
I sent him on his way, to some one far more suitable. My cousin. I believe she is now 23 and has been married and divorced, and has three kids. I’m not entirely sure who the father of number two is, but she did disappear at the wedding for a while, and came back, with a milk stain on her dress.
DON’T FORGET TO PROJECT…ILE VOMIT OVER THE BRIDE
I was in love with Adam. He wasn’t in love with me. He got engaged to a friend of ours. At a party shortly before the wedding, I got so incredibly shitfaced on cocktails, that midway through a conversation with her, with no warning, nothing, I projectile vomited in her face, and all down her dress.
At the wedding, she was so scared that I would ruin her frock, I was not allowed any where near her. I was so upset, about the fact I had just watched the man I loved get married to someone else, I got completely shitfaced and projectile vomited. Everywhere.
OOPS!
Make sure the person you are marrying knows your name. Also, be 100% sure that your partner is not about to embark on an affair with someone they work with. Be alert to signs like – the bride being very keen for their bridesmaid to get together with said person from work. This potentially could be a diversionary tactic to make themselves feel better.
And if the bride decides to ring, lets say, the bridesmaid from their honeymoon in the Maldives to find out if she shagged said bloke from work, then I think you can definitely be sure your wife is about to set sail on the Love Boat without you. (Crap shag, I don’t know why she bothered frankly, but there you are).
HAPPINESS IS JUST A STONE’S THROW AWAY
Don’t let bastard children look after the confetti while you go and have a fag. Gravel is very painful when it’s thrown with force, and doesn’t make for good photos. Sorry. Pippa.
We’re currently looking for columnists for Staggered who have a point of view on the whole wedding experience. You could be a hardcore groomzilla, a depressed florist, a lusty bridesmaid, a best man in love with the bride, a vicar, or a happily married man in his 80s, whatever your story get in touch.
iamstaggered@gmail.com
Related Posts:
Leave your response!