Always a Friend, Never a Groomsman: Should I Be Offended?

Dear Brenda,

My good friend is getting married and has just announced his groomsmen. Having chosen him to stand up at my own wedding, I was counting on his asking me to stand with him on his big day but have been passed over and relegated the role of usher. I am a bit offended. What are your thoughts on the subject?

Never a Groomsmen

Dear Never a Groomsmen,

Getting engaged and saying “I do” can be an amazing experience but the day-to-day planning of a wedding can get tricky when you’re making decisions that might wind up the feelings of the people you care about the most (your guests). This is especially difficult when choosing who will be in your wedding party.

Though the bride and groom may be blessed to have dozens of close friends like yourself, if they follow the one-bridal-party-members-per-50-guest rule, asking every buddy you want to ask to stand beside you becomes downright inappropriate. Don’t believe me? I once went to a wedding with 120 guests and a total of 40 bridesmaids and groomsmen. It not only looked ridiculous, but it added 20 minutes to the ceremony time, cost the couple a fortune in bridal party gift/rehearsal dinner costs and added an element of chaos to what was otherwise a small, intimate wedding.

The bottom line: it’s tacky. That said, you’re not the first (or thousandth) person to feel this way so I am thrilled to address it. Whether planning a wedding or wondering why you were “looked over” it’s important to keep a few things in mind:

No Role is Unimportant: Being asked to usher might seem like a downgrade but it’s essential to remember this: By asking you to do anything above and beyond sitting in the pews with a program in hand, your friend has tried to send the message that you are very special to him and he can count on you to do a good job and greet his loved ones on his behalf on one of the most important days of his life. The same goes for asking a guest to make a speech, sing a song or pick up the wedding night champagne.

This is Not about You: Too often friends and family members get worked up over the choices made by the couple getting married. Where they are sat, what they are served, or what they are asked to wear becomes fodder for griping, which can be hurtful to the bride and groom. Unless the bride or groom are being unreasonable, bite your tongue and smile and remember that your role is to be supportive – and a true friend will be.

Your Own Circumstances are a Factor: Maybe your buddy knows that you’ve had a rough time lately and doesn’t want to add the financial or emotional burden that comes with being a groomsman to the mix. If you live far away, he and his fiancée may have decided that you would be better suited for a position that doesn’t require a lot of face time. Being asked to be in the bridal party is more than a nod to friendship; it’s based on a need for help planning a wedding.

Lose the “Quid Pro Quo” Mentality: Asking your mate to be in your wedding was a wonderful thing to do and I am sure he appreciated and enjoyed it very much. But to see your choice as a guaranteed placement in his party is to lose sight of the point.

It’s an Honor to Just Be Invited: Most couples do not have the means to invite all of the people they want to, which means that, if you’re being asked to attend, you’re important to them.

I would suggest you graciously accept your friend’s kind gesture and be a part of his special day without corroding what looks like a wonderful relationship with unnecessary resentments. There really is no reason at all to be offended so choose instead to be the best usher (read: friend) you can be.

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