My Mother-In-Law Quiz
It is obviously Mother in Law season here at Staggered, and after Andrew interrogated his own, I thought it would be good to have another MIL (so close to something so naughty) to put through the wringer about what exactly it means to be put in that position. So I cornered my own future MIL. What do they think about us? How do they feel about the way they are portrayed? What advice can they give us for the future? Love them or loathe them, your MIL is going to play a big part in your life as a married man, so anything they can tell us must be useful. My relationship with Heather is probably an unusual one, as I currently live in her house, so some of Andrew’s questions have had to be altered to fit my own situation. Here’s the interview.
-Hi Heather, how are you? Obviously you are my mother in law to be, so this is the weirdest interview I’ve ever done, and I’ve had dozens of friendly chats with Iraqi detainees who harboured nothing but the desire to see me, and all my colleagues blown to kingdom come, hopefully you don’t feel the same way as them. This should be pretty easy for you, as I’m obviously such a great potential son in law.
Hi Joel, I’m fine thanks. Of course I don’t want to see you blown up, yet. Unless it happens after the big day, it’s fine then. And remember you promised not to call me your MIL – it makes me sound old and mean; it’s still Heather!
-From your perspective, is becoming a mother-in-law something you ever actually think about? Obviously there are all the jokes about mother-in-laws, and the stereotype is well known, how does this feel from a potential MIL’s position?
Yes, of course I had always hoped to be a MIL. I’m not too worried about the whole MIL business; we’ve got enough to think about without worries like that! Hopefully I won’t be ending up as the stereotypical MIL though.
-Have you had chats with other MILs, sitting around and talking about their potential or actual son in-laws?
I suppose my sister Sue. I’m not sure what we have really said though. Anyone else? We just talk about dresses, and venues, and how busy things are going to be. Lots of people have said how lucky I am though.
To have me as a SIL?
Yes of course! But generally what a beautiful couple you and Hannah make.
-The Staggered relationship writer Brenda Della Casa pointed out several areas of potential conflict. One of these was the boundary changes when your daughter gets married, do you think that you are learning new boundaries? Is this quite hard?
I’m not sure I quite understand the boundary business. Are there boundaries? Is it important? I don’t think anything has consciously changed between me and Han, or me and you. I knew this time was coming for a while, so I’ve already sort of taken a bit of a backseat.
-The second point Brenda pointed out was the stereotype of the interfering mother-in-law. Do you think this is a fair stereotype? And do you think that you interfere?
What do you think? I hope I don’t.
I personally don’t think you interfere at all. We need the help – and you are always happy to give it!
Probably that’s the point, the interfering MILs are just trying to help, they are well intentioned, but that doesn’t always come through. Glad you see it like that though.
-The last one Brenda indicated was when the MIL takes over during wedding planning and doesn’t listen to any of the groom’s ideas. This is quite a big thing with the Staggered readers, do you think this will be a problem?
I have always said from the start, that what the two of you want is hopefully what you get. If I feel you are making big mistakes we will try to advise; but that’s all we can do! I’ve only been married once, so I’ve only been through it all once – so what do I know!? I’m just happy to see Han happy, like you. We have the same interest at heart.
-What would your advice be to future grooms who feel that their MIL is taking over their wedding or even their life?
Go away for a week, and come back refreshed and start again. Try and see your MIL’s point of view, as well as yours, but sometimes you just need space. Maybe incorporate her in something minor in your eyes that she feels quite strongly about her – compromise and placate her.
-Do you think that would work?
Depends on the mother in law, and the groom I suppose! If not, maybe the bride needs to have a little bit of time with her mother and mediate.
-How do you feel about my, ahem, unconventionality, as a SIL? I mean, I took your daughter from a respectable job and a clear cut future, to dirty and dangerous places, through nude modelling, into relative poverty and uncertainty. This isn’t typical good SIL conduct.
No, but it is exciting isn’t it? Plus you’ve come back – this time! So it’s ok. You’re only young, and you are only young once, there is always something just around the corner waiting for both of you. Your love and happiness together will always be a lot more important to me than your pay packet.
-Finally, from your unique perspective as a MIL, what advice/warnings would you give me for my shared future with Hannah and your family, and on a bigger picture, for other SILs out there with their own Brides and MILs to be?
Let’s think. I am not sure I want to say them now.
Goooo on.
If you can get through the first few years as a couple and be treated as one of the family, I think that goes a long way. So you’ve done well there. Stay honest and open; talk about your problems, talk them through and sort them then and there. You’ve got to keep enjoying life, care about your family but remember that you and your spouse are now the most important part of your lives. Don’t let anyone else interfere or change your mind, or put a downer on things you would otherwise be happy with – it’s your life and you have to make you own mistakes and live it how you see fit. Oh yeah, and always tell each other you love each other, daily.
Thanks Heather.
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As the bride to be I’d just like to say… I do hope this was a spoken conversation rather than written – otherwise it is entirely possibly mum doesn’t know what MIL even stands for :-)! What a happy little family we are. x
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